The Heartbreak Club

Did Not See That Coming

Caden and I walked at a snail's pace. Partly because we were full but mostly because we both seemed to be reaching for something. Closure.

"You know what I did recently?" he asked.

"What?"

"Smoked pot." He looked at me with wide eyes.

"Caden! You hate pot." I knew because we'd smoked it together a few times back at school.

"It's not that I hate it, it's just that I'm bad at it."

"We both were."

"Remember raiding the place on Quarry for all their prepackaged food?"

"Yeah," I was laughing. "I haven't touched it since then."

"I have," he sighed.

"Why?"

"Everyone else was doing it."

"You got peer pressured, Caden."

"I shoulda just said no. Nancy Reagan would be so disappointed in me."

"She's rolling over in her grave now."

"Em, I don't think most people our age would even get that."

"You think people our age are stupid and don't know 1980's history?"

"Yeah, that's exactly what I think." We were both laughing loudly. "I came to the city, I just wanted to fit in, Nancy!" he mocked.

"Oh, the city," I rolled my eyes.

"Hey, at least the trash is moving again downtown."

"Seriously. It was piled up taller than me." I stopped and turned to him for emphasis. "I had to send my parents a photo because they didn't believe me."

"Well, I know how your dad is, so if you need to call a witness, I did see it. It was at least 5" feet."

"Five feet? I'm 5" 8'."

"Yeah, putting it on your license doesn't make it true. Everyone knows you're 5" 6' at best."

I shoved his arm. "I am so 5" 8'." I'm not.

"Oh, Em. This feels really good, doesn't it?" He was holding me, his arms around my waist.

"It's been a really nice night."

"It feels right. I'm my old self when I'm with you." He ran his hand through his hair, squeezing for a moment, anchoring his thought. "I read the blog, Em." I hadn't realized he'd been holding that in.

"I wondered."

"You compared me to an emotional Mussolini. I didn't know you remembered that. It was a dumb joke," he looked down, kicking his foot. The streetlight reflected in his eyes, brooding per usual. His thick locks of hair tussling like tussled hair does when it tussles.

"I remembered everything, unfortunately. Now it's out there."

"Well, I know something you don't remember because you never knew."

"What?"

"I could have graded your paper, even with a formatting error."

I shook my head. His face was down, his eyes peered up.

"It took me almost that whole year to make that move," he said.

"Well, you had to wait until there was an error."

"I didn't though."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"All your papers had errors. You really weren't good at citations. Probably the worst I saw."

"No, Caden," I covered my face with both hands. "Wasn't everyone though? It's really hard."

"Nope. No. Most people have that down by high school." He wrapped his arms around me. "Em, I haven't laughed this much, since," he sighed.

"Since what?"

"Since I was with you," he shot in with both lips. I froze. I was not in my own body for a moment, I was looking down on us.

There you go, Emma. You got what you wanted. Are you happy now? My inner, soulful, wise, future self spoke to me.

Happy? I recalled my darkest moments in front of my computer, pouring myself onto the internet. What is happy? That thing I feel when I'm with Tony, is that happy? Real happiness, secured with trust. Oh Tony, my Tony. I needed to peel this man off me.

I stepped back and looked at him. Something was different. Not his hair or his eyes, those were the same. He was quintessential Caden Strong. It was me who was different.

"Caden, I can't."

"It's too fast. We'll ease into it. We'll do dinner again."

"Hi Emma."

I was startled, followed by nauseated. A rush of dread and disbelief.

"Tony?" I was leaving my body again. Where was my soulful, wise, future self? Help me, talk to me. She'd gone.

"I came to give you a file, but it turns out I forgot it," he cleared his throat. My eyes darted back and forth between the two of them. "I'm her lawyer," he told Caden before walking away.

When I got into my apartment, I slumped to the floor. I was hurting too badly to cry. That was new. I called and texted him but he wouldn't reply. It was too familiar, the carpet against my face. The cobweb under the couch I'd never cleaned. It could only be spotted by a person who'd given up on life and lay on the floor in defeat. I didn't think I'd see it again but there it was.

"Did you not see that coming, Emma." I recalled Tony asking me about Caden. He had a point, but this time no, I really didn't.

"I'm sorry. It was just dinner, he's having a hard time," I messaged him.

"Looked like he was having a good time."

"He got nostalgic and grabbed me. It meant nothing."

"I watched you walk all the way down the block, Emma."

My heart sank. We had been laughing, walking slow like we had nowhere else to be. I'd touched his arm a few times. How must that all have looked?

"I was there to ask you something special. It doesn't matter anymore."