How to Live | Slow Updates

chapter six

That night, for some reason, I think of Nathan.  Not in a weird way obviously, but more about the what-ifs of the whole situation.  I'm wondering if I would have moved houses if I had taken up one of his offers to go bowling, or go to the movies, would I still be here, unable to sleep on this familiar yet foreign bed, tracing the outline of the moon with my fingertips? 

            I wonder if he might have been able to make up for what I lost with René?

            That's messed up I tell myself immediately, and turn away from the window, facing my dresser that's pushed up against the wall.  A particularly strong blast of wind blows my curtains open, and soon, the thin trail of light from the moon becomes even thinner against my bedsheets as dark gray clouds swim in the sky.

            And then it starts raining.  Heavy droplets of water fall from the sky and I can hear the pitter-patter of the rain on the roof and the ground.  I turn around against the window again, my curtains blowing ferociously, and take a deep breath.  I'm not in a mood to get up and close my window, but there's water entering the room now, so I force myself up.  My legs are shaking for some reason, and then with a start, I realize that this is the first time since the incident that I've slept with my window closed.

            This is stupid. 

            It is stupid.  I feel like I need to claw my way out of a pothole of shame—shame that simple things like sleeping with a window closed can make my shoulders shake, and that it's been over a month already and I still feel like sobbing with the water running in the shower every time I think of René.

            I miss her.

            I don't have some well-versed metaphor to explain it, just three simple words that keep replaying in my head, with no reachable pause button.

            I drift off to sleep at some time before my alarm goes off, but it's definitely not enough.  I grudgingly lift myself out of my bed, not bothering to make it, and head to the bathroom to shower.  When I come downstairs, the entire house is chilly, and when I look outside to the windows, there are large puddles on the sidewalk, and a light drizzle falling from the sky.   

            "Good morning Lexi.  Did you sleep well last night?" Kira asks, walking down the stairs with heavy steps and yawning while rubbing her eyes.  "The rain woke me up."

            "Yeah," I mumble.  I don't think I would have been able to sleep if it weren't for the rain.

            "Well that's good," Kira nods, and she comes down to the kitchen.  We stand there in silence for a while as she busies herself with making some coffee, and I lean on the countertops with my elbow, watching the rain hit the windows.

            "What do you want for breakfast?" Kira asks.

            "Anything is fine," I reply absentmindedly, looking away from the window and starting to twirl my hair around my fingers.

            "Good morning guys!" Allison exclaims, clambering down the stairs in a surprisingly good mood.   She walks over to where Kira is and gives a big kiss; I turn around and mockingly gag while Kira shoves her away.

            "So, are you planning on walking to school today?  I don't mind giving you a ride if you need one," Allison offers, looking out the window.

            "No, I think I'll manage," I reply.  "Could I just take an umbrella?"

            "Yeah, I think there's one in the storage closet.  Let me find it," Allison mutters and walks away, while Kira looks at me concernedly.