How to Live | Slow Updates

chapter four

"A party? Today? There's school tomorrow. And there's going to be alcohol. And boys. I know you think I'm some kind of old, 'last generation' conservative but I will have you know I can be lit and liberal and I can say no to my daughter," Allison says firmly.

"What Allison's trying to say is that we're grateful that you're slowly coming out of your shell, and that you've made friends, but is it really wise to go to a party when there's school the next morning? Not to mention that it could potentially be harmful to you considering the substances that go around, and you've only known Zara for a week, and you barely know anyone else at the school; is it really that safe to go to a party full of people you don't know?" Kira explains kindly, and I sigh, staring down at my feet.

It's a week later, and I silently curse whoever made Halloween fall on a Monday. There is school tomorrow, but it's a half day, and I doubt it will matter anyways. It's not that I really need to go to this party or something, but I have to admit, I was a little hopeful about going. I'm not going to drink or anything—I don't even want to drink, but maybe I could force myself to go back to who I was.

"Mom, I promise I'll be back before midnight. I swear. And I'm not drinking or anything. I'm just going out with Zara because she asked me and I'm..." my voice suddenly cracks, and I realize there's a huge difference between thinking things and carrying out the action. "I'm just hoping for a change, okay."

"There are steps you can take before this one. I know you want your old life back—we both do, but we just think that this going to this party could be more impulsive rather than something that would actually help," Kira says calmly and slowly.

"No, I swear. I'm not going to drink even a little bit, and we don't even know if there's going to be alcohol; it's just an assumption. I swear Kira, I won't do anything. I'll keep my phone on the whole time, and you can send me a check in text every twenty minutes or something, and I'll immediately text you back," I assure. I know how much I sound like a hysterical, privileged teenage girl, but there's a big part of me hoping that maybe going to a party will help me get over something. Kira might be right about the impulse thing, but I won't know unless I actually try right?

"Lexi..." Allison trails off staring at Kira and I with a heartbroken expression.

"It's your life Lexi. You know where both of us stand, but in the end, there's not much we can do. If you really think that this is going to help you, then go. But at least think about if for a while before you go," Kira explains, and Allison nods along with her.

"Yeah. You can always help out hand candy to the trick-or-treaters. Or you and I can go toilet-paper someone's house if you already have enemies. Whatever you teenagers do," Allison says and Kira gives her a quick glare.

"We're supposed to be encouraging responsible behavior," Kira hisses, pulling Allison away from me, and I catch Allison rolling her eyes.

"Okay so maybe you can't toilet-paper someone's house. But you can lock yourself in your room and watch Netflix," Allison says.

"I'll be back before twelve. I'm not going to do anything bad, and I'll stick with Zara the whole time," I promise, staring down at my toes, guilt filling me up. I can't even bring myself to look Allison and Kira in the eyes; my ears are red, and all I want to do is go to my room and curl up into a ball begging that Allison and Kira don't hate me.

I scold myself for making such a big deal out of something small. It's very easy to just not go, and tell Zara that I can't go. But god... the hope that I can change something is just pulling at me, and I know it's going to bother me until I go.