ɪᴛ ᴡᴀs ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ʏᴏᴜ ➻〚𝙬𝙤𝙣𝙝𝙪𝙞 〛

September 15th

*TRIGGER: use of derogatory slurs*

To my shining sun whose last name is unfittingly, Moon,

I figured that it'd be a good time to take out the ol' pen and paper, and write some more because shit happened, yet again. But this isn't any surprise. Honestly, I was considering just voice-typing this out on my phone and writing when I regained strength, but something about that seemed a bit disingenuous.

You never knew about this part of my life, so here it goes, I guess. I suppose that I just didn't want to tell you so you didn't worry, because to be honest, what and who I'm about to tell you about is probably why I'm gone.

But please, Jun, I beg, don't get mad, don't seek vengeance, and just don't do anything, because knowing that his son is gone mostly because of him should be enough to make him regret everything. And if he does, I'll be ready to forgive him. His life is just as messed up as mine was, and you have to remember that for every bully or asshole in the world, there is a story behind them; a reason why they act the way they do. Though that doesn't excuse their actions, things begin to come together and make some sense, and you feel some understanding of their circumstances.

And either way, he raised me and was good to me for most of my young life. As much as I hate him now, without him, I might not be completely the person I am right now, and Junnie, I know you love me just the way I am.

So anyway, if you hadn't realized who I'm talking about, it's my father. You already know that my parents divorced when I was 12, mostly because they just didn't seem to be compatible, and it was certainly for the better. Though, my father didn't take the separation well. He was so heartbroken, even if he (very reluctantly) agreed to the divorce. Alcohol was his comfort, and fuck, alcohol can really change a person in ways unimaginable until you see it with your own two eyes.

Dad was never particularly sweet and loving, and he definitely never coddled or babied me. Instead, he took care of me and built me up. He wasn't a bad person back then, just not the loving, nurturing father that most imagine. But he went from a solid, caring parent to an abusive, hateful piece of shit. Alcohol really did do that to him.

When he started drinking, I didn't question it too much, even though I could tell he would get a lot more aggressive and hostile with me whenever I stayed at his house for the night, as he still co-parented me with mom. And even though he became irritable and aggressive, I dealt with it, because he didn't do anything too terrible. Well, for a bit at least.

I came out as gay to him a year afterward. Mom had given me unconditional support and love, so I figured he would be the same as well, as he had never previously stated his disgust towards gay people, but man, I was so damn wrong. As soon as I told him, he morphed and mutated into this hate-filled monster, barraging me with attacks of slurs, hateful messages, and otherwise, though thankfully, he never got too physical.

It was certainly the definition of verbal abuse, and I knew it myself, unlike so many others who are abused, but I felt and still feel like I can't tell anyone openly until I'm gone, just because I don't want to burden them. I mean, just imagine if I told my mother that whenever I go home to Dad, which is three times a week, that all he does is scream, "worthless faggot," and other slurs at me. She would be terrified and angry, but I can't let her know because she already works so hard, and I can't put any burden on her.

Fuck, Junnie, I wish his words never got to me in the first place, but from the first time he called me a fag, slapped me across the face, and refused to recognize the boy whom he shares half of his genes with as his son, the word, "worthless," practically became branded onto my face like a searing iron.

Now that's been branded onto me, that scar's never going to be washed away, no matter what I do. In his eyes, I'll always be a worthless fag. And the worst part is, that's how I see myself too. I mean, when you're constantly reminded that you have no value, the thick skin you think you have slowly gets cut and slashed to raw flesh.

I wish I could help it, Jun. Especially when you're complimenting, praising, and simply loving me more than my father actively hates me. Why does the bad overshadow the good, no matter how powerful the good is? I hate it. I really hate it. I hate my mind. Fuck, I just hate myself.

God, this is so random, but you're so radiant, Junnie. You have the power to part the storm clouds in my mind, even if it's for a second, and just shine sunlight onto me. I really love you, I hope you know.

I'm just aching inside and out at the moment; Dad just gave me a drunken kick down the stairs of the house, and I'm all bruised up now. But right now, my mind just drifts off to you, and I can't help but smile. You're so beautiful to me, Junnie.

Again, I know it's hard now that I've just revealed one of my darkest secrets, but please don't grieve. Please think about how much I love you, even now that I'm gone and relaxing up in Heaven. Love never fades, and love always prevails. You're my whole world, Wen Junhui. Never, ever, forget this, okay?

All my love,

Wonu