ɪᴛ ᴡᴀs ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ʏᴏᴜ ➻〚𝙬𝙤𝙣𝙝𝙪𝙞 〛

May 31st

Dear Junhui,

This is the end for me, but don't fret about yourself. This is only a pause in your story, and I know you'll be fine. Try not to worry excessively; I'm leaving this world on a positive note, not in pain, and not in fear anymore. You don't need to worry about me any longer, Junnie because I'm finally okay, and I know this is the decision I need to make for myself and for peace in my soul. I'm just glad that I got to spend my last day by your side, engraving new, beautiful memories with you before I leave you.

You left my home just a couple of hours ago, and I've found myself smiling so dreamily since you left, simply thinking about you and the best moments we've shared together. Writing these letters in the relative comfort of my mother's house has been a form of catharsis for the last several months, but thinking of you provides me with unmatched tranquility and euphoria. You're the only one who makes me second guess this decision, but I feel like this is a natural ending point, leaving the world filled with joy and satisfaction, feeling gratitude that I at least left a positive impact on one person's life. At the same time, I can't prolong this, because the more time we spend together and the more memories we create will only make my inevitable departure more painful for the both of us. As tempting as the warmth and security of your outstretched arms, your gleaming smile, and the protection of your muscular, yet slim body encasing my body is, Jun, temptations lead to procrastination and damage for me. I can't prolong my fate any longer, for everyone's sake and their well-being.

We didn't do anything particularly out-of-the-ordinary today, but in a way, returning to our normal routine together was comforting to me, knowing that I had to leave soon. If you don't remember (I don't know when you'll find these letters), we cuddled up together on the old basement couch, my cheek pressed to your shoulder as you rested your head on top of mine, my wool blanket covering our young bodies. Even though you don't love me romantically, I've always appreciated how strong our bond is together, allowing us to share such an intimate, close friendship, unlike most other boys.

We held our hands clasped together while we chatted about our freshman days, the gossip at school, our happiest moments together, and poured everything on our minds out, my hands growing clammy with a slightly unsettling nervousness. It's okay though, I tried to put my thoughts on the backburner, thinking about how I poured out almost everything on my mind--excluding perhaps the most important thing. I just couldn't wipe the smile off your face, set panic ablaze inside of you. My passing has to happen quietly, so I decided to ignore that small detail during our chat. That being said, I did want to seize the rest of the day as much as I could, so I focused on you as we finished chatting together, cooking lunch for two, and napping in each other's embrace, my heart steeped in the giddiness and excitement of young love spent on you; the last I'll experience until we reconvene in the sky.

This final day was a fairytale for me, my utopia in an otherwise hell that I called my life, but still, I can't help but let this slight feeling of regret and stark selfishness settle in my stomach like stagnant water. I feel selfish in a way that I didn't end it earlier to save you from more pain, because the more time we spend together, the more inseparable and reliant we both become on each other. If I had just taken my life earlier, I could've spared so many more beautiful memories from being made, and made my parting even just a little less painful or aggravating for you. But I wanted to bask in your aura, bathe in the comfort and companionship of you, Jun.

I'm so sorry for all of my mistakes, the burdens I threw upon you, the weight you had to bear for having such a high-maintenance, broken boy as your best friend. I'm sorry I indulged in us today, Junnie, trying to soak up some last precious memories simply because I wanted to leave this pitiful, tragic life of mine on a high note. I can only hope that you remember those last moments with me and that they bring you joy whenever they come upon you, both in dark and light times.