Mixed emotions

My sweet angel

This one is for you, mom, my sweet angel.
One part of me knows you won't read this. One part of me knows I need to express myself anyway.
I've been wanting to write this so many times, I just never had the right words to say it.
I love you, of course. I miss you, even more.
I wish you were here with me more than I wish I was there with you. I wish I could've learned more from you. I wish I was at least the half good person that you were.
I wish my smile was as bright as was yours. I wish you were here, but you are not.
I used to blame myself for what happened to us. That accident happened in my head about a hundred times.
I used to tell myself: "if you didn't want to go, she will be here with you", " it's your fault, you felt like something wrong was going to happen"; and I know I'm right, I dreamt that night before about us, about what happened. I just never thought that that nightmare was going to become a real one.
Sometimes I just feel so bad about myself not wanting to go back in time and change everything. It kills me to know that if I had a chance to go back I wouldn't do it.
I love you, I'll always do, but I love the person I am today too. It's hard for me to think that if you were here my life wouldn't be my life. I wouldn't have met these friends that I have. I wouldn't be studying this course that I am. I wouldn't have met who I think I'm in love with. And let me tell you that people's lives around me wouldn't be the same either.
My aunt wouldn't have met her husband if she had never taken my brother to kindergarten, neither met her best friend. Everything would be so different, and I'm really sorry when I tell you I like things this way.
I can't stop crying every time I think about you being here. It would be amazing to know what my life would have been like, but my life is already amazing, I want it this way.
I know you are here, supporting me, all the time.
And thank you for not letting me down.
Love you mom, my sweet angel.