sightless

5.

Monday, September 16.

I wake up an hour earlier than I'm supposed to. Friday finally rolls back into my mind.

We kissed. He kissed me. Shit. I don't want to do this, I don't want to like anyone. I don't want to like him. I get up and rub my eyes. Still the same bad vision. What if someone saw us? Grace saw us. That means someone else might have also. Here's where my stomach plays it's part that I deeply despite. Maybe it's nerves, maybe I'm actually coming down with something.

I rush the to bathroom and throw up a few times. I flush the toilet and sit there for a few minutes while I gather myself up.

"Oh, shit." Jay says from the door of his room, "Are you okay?"

I shake my head and vomit again. He quickly closes the door and peeks back in when I stop. He's pretty queasy for acting as tough as he does. I flush the toilet and sit there with my head resting back on the wall.

"You look like shit." He says.

I close my eyes and take slow deep breaths to stop feeling nauseated.

"I'm okay." I say, standing up.

"Sit back down, you're pale." He says.

"I'm fine." I say but still sit down, "Just nerves."

"What's wrong?" He asks.

"I don't want him to like me." I say.

"That fucker likes you?" He asks.

"I don't know. I think." I say, "We kissed."

"You two kissed?" He asks then sighs, "Why don't you want him to like you?"

"Because I'm scared. What if it happens all over again? What happened in Kansas, with Alex and the guys." I say.

He frowns at me.

"I don't want him to leave me like they did. I'm scared he's going to be like Alex. He's going to leave like he did. My friends too." I say, "I thought I didn't care but I do now. And I  have to tell him even if I don't want to."

"I'm going to tell mom that you're staying home today." He says.

I don't object. He leaves and I'm still sitting in the bathroom, holding back the vomit wanting to escape. I slowly stand to my feet and rinse out my mouth. I lie back down in bed and stare at the ceiling. My phone vibrates on the nightstand beside my bed. I hesitantly look at whatever notification I got. It's from Instagram. I only have people from Kansas added on there, maybe only Grace from here and I haven't posted in two months. Shit it's someone from Kansas.

The username looks familiar. I scroll the notification down to read the message.

Hey e, I know we left of..

I've gotta open the whole message to read it. Fantastic. I sigh and open the message. Finally,  I realize who it is.

Hey e, I know we left off on bad terms but care to explain why the hell your brother is telling me off?

I leave him on read. I feel sick again, thanks Jay. I see that he's still typing. I thought I had blocked him but guess not.

I heard you got a new little love interest

Does he know yet or are you just gonna lie about everything like you did before?

I didn't lie to you