like a redheaded stepchild

Chapter 18: Fairly Biased

GIRL-WHO-FOUGHT-MONSTERS ADDS DEMENTORS, DEATH EATERS TO BODY COUNT

By Saffron Scrivener

It was pandemonium here at Hogwarts when Sirius Black himself appeared at the Slytherin/Gryffindor Quidditch match and kidnapped Ginerva Weasley in front of an audience of over a thousand. While such a brash display may have taken the Ministry of Magic by surprise, the elder Weasley sister, the Infamous Hermione Weasley, was not so easily given pause. Taking a broom from one of the Gryffindor Quidditch stars, she shot off in hot pursuit, leading her family on a quest to extract revenge!

And indeed, Miss Weasley was successful, finding and confronting World Renowned Death Eater (and Ladies' Man) Sirius Black himself, and forcing him to give up his hostage and taking him into custody. If it were not for the arrival of the dementors of Azkaban, Hermione may very well have slain Black then and there, as she did with a full grown mountain troll in her first year, and the Serpent of Slytherin, The Supreme Danger Noodle, last year.

"I'm not surprised by this," Gilderoy Lockhart (Monster Hunter Extraordinaire) told the Prophet in an interview after returning from his adventures in Central and South America where he not only destroyed over a dozen chupacabras, but also put down the legendary Abchanchu Vampire. "I've worked with Miss Weasley before, even lost to her in an epic duel that nearly destroyed the entire school, where she used a most cunning petrifying spell reminiscent of the very gaze of the basilisk. That she could take down Sirius Black is no surprise, nor is it shocking that she was able to conjure a phoenix patronus. Reports indicate it may be the largest on record. One day, I hope to have her as my apprentice."

Indeed, multiple witnesses report the incredible patronus, larger than even Andros the Invincible's, which drove off several hundred dementors single handedly. Sadly, in the confusion Sirius Black managed to escape once again, though he reportedly vowed "I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids. And I'm not coming back to Hogwarts! So you could send the dementors away, since I won't be returning. The Weasley's are too scary!"

This reporter has to agree. If not even the most powerful of Death Eaters or the very demons of fear themselves can stand against Miss Weasley, who can?

Hermione groaned and tossed the paper over her shoulder, then banged her head on the table. "It's not true! None of it is true! My patronus is an otter! I didn't use some crazy magic, it was all of us, working together! Who tells these people these things?"

"That Saffron Scrivener is just a yellow journalist," Luna huffed. "He stole that Sirius Black quote from the Quibbler! Honestly, is there no professionalism in journalism anymore?"

Hermione looked up and glared at her fellow Weasley. "That's what you have a problem with? Not the blatantly false narrative about what happened with Black, or Lockhart's lies, or the fact that Sirius is still being painted as a Death Eater despite being innocent?"

"Well you were very heroic. From a certain point of view, you did petrify Lockhart. And Sirius has to stay publicly guilty, otherwise Sleepy the Wonder Turban will suspect him and kill him. You did read the Quibbler article, didn't you?"

Luna peered at Hermione, who sighed and held out her hand. "Fine, give it here. I know you have a copy."

Happily handing over the magazine in question, Luna gave Hermione a winning smile. "I think you'll find the piece on werewolf rights especially compelling. They've been manipulated by the ministry, you see. It turns out they're really only upset because they've been discriminated against in dental care. That's why they teamed up with the muggle dentists. Can you imagine how many toothbrushes a werewolf goes through?"