like a redheaded stepchild

Chapter 15: Black Times at Hogwarts High

"Da na da na da na da na na. There's a man who leads a life danger. Da da! To everyone he meets, he stays a stranger. Da na na da!"

Sirius Black hummed and sang under his breath as he crept through the castle, using every ounce of his considerable sneaking talents as he made his way up to Gryffindor Tower. Halfway there he stopped, realizing he was just repeating himself. He paused, considering what to do. He quickly did an air guitar solo.

"Cause I'm baaack, back in Black!" Happy with his new theme song, Black skidded up to the portrate of the Fat Lady. "Heya toots, I'm back! In Black! Siriusly."

The Fat Lady blinked a couple of times, wondering who it was. "Password?" she asked sleepily.

This gave Sirius paws. He changed into a dog to try and think. After a moment, he changed back and said, "Swordfish."

"No, the password is not swordfish," the Fat Lady said, frowning at the odd man in front of her. "Do I know you?"

"Of course you do, I'm Padfoot. Hmmm. What about Horsefeathers?"

"No."

"Password?"

"Definitely not!"

"Slytherin sucks."

"Not bad, but not right now."

"Snivellus drools."

"Ah, that brings back memories! But no, I changed it long ago."

"Well what did you change it to?"

"Oh, I changed it to fiat lux."

"Fiat lux!"

"Ha! It's been twenty years, I changed it again after that!"

Sirius growled, losing patience. "Tell you what, why don't you tell me what the password is now?"

"No. I don't think you are a student, you don't look like Longbottom at all."

"Hmm. Is the password, 'let me in or I'll shred your painting and shatter your frame?'"

The Fat Lady paled. "No, it is not."

Sirius got out a knife he'd stolen from the kitchens. "Really? What a pity. Maybe I'll have to do that." He paused. "Unless someone were to tell me the password of course. I've got some pest control to do, and a soulless monster to destroy."

"Help, help, murder!" The Fat Lady screamed.

There was a rip and tear, and the sound of a shattering frame, and a black dog bounded away.

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"You failed!"

Sirius flinched, sitting in his cave as Voldequirrel paced back and forth, raging and gesticulating wildly. "I must have the blood of my greatest foe! It is the only way!"

"Well, I mean, they had some pretty insidious defenses, O Janus-Faced. I used every ounce of my cunning, but I couldn't get past them."