The Husband Checklist

3. hidden pain

It had been an hour since I first saw my leaked images, yet I was still paralyzed from the shock. My limbs hang loosely on the bed, and my gaze was fixated on the ceiling. I inspected every crack and flaw in the white paint, but found no answers hidden in its crevices. The void seemed to be growing within me. I was numb; too afraid to step out of my room. My life would never be the same again.

"Ilhaaaaam," my mother called from the kitchen.

I stifled my sobs, resulting in a choked hiccup that pulled at the muscles in my chest, and wiped my tears away with a quick swipe of my jersey sleeve.

She trusted me. I couldn't let her find out about this - not in a million years. I regretted it so deeply that I would give anything to turn back time, but she wouldn't see that. No one would. No one would see the truth behind the distorted images that I'd sent to Yusuf.

Twenty minutes later, I sucked in my deepest breath and put on my pardah, ready to fight against the entire world. I would defy the odds and live my life despite the stigma I knew would be attached to me. No one could stop me from changing, and Allah knew my heart.

I'd texted my friend Aaminah, informing her that I'd be coming over. There was nothing that some girl talk and therapy would not solve.

"Oh Allah, you know what is in my heart. Don't test me with the sins of my past," I begged silently. Despite the situation at hand, I felt an unexplainable calm wash over my body, bathing my heart in complete contentment.

My Allah was with me.