Reviving Aspen

Part 2

"Piss off." I mumbled under my breath as I stepped into the sun. Honestly, it had been cloudy and cold for days and that had been fine by me. But today, as I walked out of my apartment, it seemed as though the sun had decided to mock my destitution as it peeked cheerily through the heavy clouds. I triple checked the lock before stepping into the street towards Roma's. My mind was reeling and my heart ached. Visions, left over from last night's dreams, danced behind my lids and left my spirit broken as I ducked through the crowded city sidewalk. Roma's was my only solace now that mom was gone. She adored the place. When I was young, before I knew how bad things could get, she would take me there. We would order coffee and sit on the floor of the self help section. I was always sure that people weren't supposed to sit in the aisles, but my mother, with all her beauty, had charmed the owner and he never said a word to us. She always had that air about her that made you want to take care of her. She looked fragile and with her blonde hair and blue eyes it made her angelic. I had not inherited her looks with my brown hair and green eyes. Unfortunately, I favored my piece of shit father. I shook my head in despair as I pushed open the door. The room was warm and should have been relief from the left over chill outside, but it wasn't enough to ease my shaking. I longed for the time when I wasn't on edge. When everything was sunshine and I walked without sadness. Without being afraid. My bravery was now shrouded by grief and fear. The person possessing my body now was unfamiliar to me. I was a ghost.

Daphne, a short, plump barista gave me a pouty look of sympathy and I almost threw up. I had seen those eyes on so many people this year, it was a look of pity and I honestly couldn't bear it anymore. I let out a sigh and plastered a soft smile on my lips, itching to be behind the shelves where I could release my anxiety in private. She swiftly produced a strong coffee with creme and set it on the edge of the wooden counter in an enormous round cup. One of her signature designs was painted into the foam on top.

"Here you go Aspen, how are you?" She asked with her thick French accent.

"Fine. Thank you." I responded as per norm. No I was not fine, yes Daphne was fully aware of that fact, but luckily for me there was a line building up behind me and she moved on without pushing me. In a rush, I stole away to our... My section.

Grabbing a random book off the shelf I plopped down on the carpeted floor. My shoulders leaned into the shelf and I sipped the silky foam layer from the surface of the hot drink. It typically smelled of fresh coffee grounds and paper, but when the door was propped open you could smell a fresh, soapy smell wafting in from the Laundromat next door. I allowed the book to flop open in my lap, not caring whether or not I started in the beginning. These books never really spoke to me, but mom's faith and enthusiasm in them always made me feel better, lighter. We were each other's lifeline and soon I was back, Mom next to me crying and laughing at the same time, pointing something out in her book. She did that when she had an epiphany about whatever the author had said. Usually it made no since to me, but I loved her that way. I loved her every way.

~

"Aspen listen, listen to the brilliance of these words." She went into some rant about how the author wrote that only you could define yourself. She squeezed the open book close to her heart and looked to the ceiling."Ahh. Isn't that wonderful." She said, sighing wistfully

She would be in tears by that point. Recently, she had been more melancholy than usual and I was clueless as to why. When I first returned home, I almost let myself believe that she was better, but then this last month she had begun to spiral. Sometimes she wouldn't even answer my calls. It worried me when she did that.

My mom had break throughs all the time. I was happy when she did, because that would help me keep her sadness at bay for at least a few days. But she always slipped back. It was the worst when she was alone.