Reviving Aspen

Part 4

When I was securely locked into the privacy of my apartment I relaxed a little. My cheeks were tingling and my palms were clammy with sweat. I was hot, the burning up, "get me out of these clothes now" type of hot. Heat radiated from within me in a way that I couldn't remember feeling in so long. Before I allowed myself to enjoy it I ripped off my heavy sweater and threw it onto the couch. What was wrong with me? Crystal blue eyes and two odd meetings with this man did not make him any different from the rest of them. He would pretend to be a courteous "knight in shining armor" until the moment he gained my trust. Then he would change. He would morph in to a monster who screams and throws things and...

"Stop it." I pinched the bridge of my nose and huffed the air from my chest in exasperation. Marching into my small kitchen, I splashed a handful of cool water onto my face and set the kettle up for tea. Pacing the floor as I waited, I made fruitless attempts to escape the waves of memories, but they broke down my walls and bubbled up in front of my eyes.

"What the fuck!" He roared.

I had locked myself in the bathroom an hour ago. As I listened to his anger grow, I huddled in the shower. I just couldn't bare it today, I hadn't quite recovered from the last time.

"Please. Please. Please" I begged, praying that someone would hear my prayer and come find me. Dex had become someone I did not know and I couldn't remember the last time I had seen the good side of him. He had become ruthless and my ribs and cheeks could not take any more. It just hurt to bad.

Why wouldn't anyone come get me?

"Listen you, if you don't unlock this door now, I'll break it down and I will show you hell." His barked at me. "Three." I knew I should give in and just take it, "Two...", but I was shaking so hard that I was immobile. He spoke the next in the quietest voice, false calmness settling into his tone and I knew I was finished, "One."

The door bowed and crashed to the floor.

"Com'eer, you." He snatched me by the hair and tugged me from the room.

I wrenched my eyes open and underneath the lingering cold sweat was fuming rage, pissed at myself for letting it go so far. I was livid that Dex lost himself and I was stung by the people that should have noticed, but didn't. But more than anything else, I despised the lingering part of me that worried about him. Maybe that was what stressed me out about Eli. If I let him close enough to break down my walls and he turned out to be like Dex there would be nothing left of me. I couldn't survive it a second time because letting go of Dex had been like removing chunks of my heart even though in the end he was not the same man I fell in love with. Given all my fears, when I closed my eyes and found my lids gilded in inky blue hopes, I laughed out loud.

"Silly girl." I sighed to myself as waves of exhaustion washed over me. My abandoned tea sat on the counter as my feet dragged me towards the bedroom, unsure whether to be grateful or fearful of sleep. I stared out of my open window, listening to the sounds of the city. It was my meek attempt to be as brave as I once was. Every night I fought the urge to lock it up and shut the blinds. Every night I refused to give in.

~

"Are you alright?"

The voice called to me from my slumber and my eyes fluttered open. I looked around my room, my half conscious brain searching for him. Of course he wasn't anywhere to be seen. The only things here were my bed, a lamp and a chair in the corner. The walls were bare, reflecting the emptiness I'd felt. Until recently. Something about being asked if I was okay had given me hope and my soul had chanted the reviving words back to me all night. Maybe they had come to late, but someone had finally asked and to hear it spoken aloud loosened up a few of my chains.