Bittersweet

Bittersweet [9]

September 14, 2004

4:29 p.m.

“No…” I whispered though I felt helpless. The only way to not say anything is to cry it all out so I did but it naturally came out.

He continued,

“I’m sorry that I had to do this. It’s for your own good. Your parents hate me. I’m sorry that I made your life miserable” He mumbled.

All those things that he said, it didn’t make any sense to me. Tears won’t stop flowing from my face. I wish I could do something but I know I can’t. I tried to think of the best way for him to not leave me but he left me speechless. I was confused.

“Can’t you just wait until I graduate? We’ll get married. We’ll move far away from here-

“And then what? Have kids and make their lives miserable just because they don’t have a complete family in their mommy’s side?” He interrupted, looking straight into my eyes.

“N-No! Okay? We’re gonna fix this. They’ll accept you and we’ll live life peacefully and have a family like we always wanted. You know, they can’t do anything about it. It’s my own decision whom to love when I’m old enough to handle my own p-problems.” I stuttered, trying to cope with my feelings.

“Yes. But there’s always gonna be hate. You know that.” He said seriously.

I cried a little. I felt helpless, numb. I felt like I needed to fight for him but I know it’s too late. I couldn’t breathe but he touched my hands, looked at me straight in the eyes and said

“I want to have a peaceful life with the one I love. You’re the one I love but I cannot have a peaceful life with you.”

After that, he sobbed. He kneeled down to hug me and sobbed.

“Please, don’t hate me. Please don’t ever think that I don’t love you because I do. I love you so much. And I thank you wholeheartedly for loving me.” He said, crying.

After all those things that he had said, one thing that killed me the most is the part where he thanked me. Because for a while, I thought he didn’t care. So I held back my tears for a while, gazed into his eyes, wiped his tears carefully and said

“You have no idea how much I love you.”

I kissed him. It was a long and passionate kiss. Sparks flew everytime we did. It was the best feeling ever though I knew it was the last. And at the moment we ended, I touched his gentle face and asked him a favor.

“Will you sing to me?”

He looked at me. I could tell he was surprised.

“Will you please sing to me for the last time?” I pleaded. He didn’t answer though I know what he’s thinking. And I think he knows what I’m thinking too. His voice was magical. I will surely miss it a lot after he’s gone. He laid me down carefully, making it sure to protect my head. I felt comfort table though I know things will change in a few. He held me tightly, hugged me like he’s never going to let go. I closed my eyes as soon as he started singing.

“You pushed me. I don’t have the strength to resist or control you to take me down.  You hurt me but do I deserve this? You make me so nervous. So calm me down. Wake you up in the middle of the night to say I will never walk away again, I’m never gonna this bed.”

I was scared. Tears started streaming down my face. I felt safe but I know things will change in a few. It’s getting nearer and nearer each time his voice crack up. I could tell he was trying his best not to break down. I know him. Just by looking at his eyes, I could tell.

“So come here and never leave this place. Perfection of your face slows me down. So fall down I need you to trust me. Go easy don’t rush me. Help me out. Why won’t you help me out? Wake you up in the middle of the night to say I will never walk away again. I’m never gonna leave this bed.”

He stopped singing. He was so close to tears that he finished the song already. I hugged him very tightly like I’m never going to give up on him, like I’m never going to let go... But I have to.

So I continued the Maroon 5 song. I continued our song, not really sure if I could do it or not but time was running out. I must continue the song before he slips away.

“Oh, so you say ‘No. It isn’t working.’ And I say ‘No. It isn’t perfect.’ So I stay instead. I-I’m never gonna leave this bed.”

I can’t do it. I gave up. I finished the song and gave up in his arms right where I used to belong but he’s slipping away. I guess I know to myself that I can’t be selfish. It’s because I love him that I can’t be selfish with him. He’s been hurt and troubled for far too long, I guess. I love him and I just want him to be happy.

He’s slipping away from me. I was dizzy and confused. I felt helpless. He kissed my lips for the last time.

“I love you Katherine. Hold on to that. Never let that go.”

I can hear his footsteps. He’s walking away. I wanted to open my eyes but I dread the fact that I might miss him. For me, looking at him will aggravate the situation. Besides, it’s better this way. Everything is so much clearer with my eyes closed. Our feelings towards each other have never been clearer. I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I don’t know if I could resist the urge to open my eyes any longer. But at that moment, everything stopped.  He’s gone now. I softly whispered, hoping he could hear it.

“Please don’t leave me…” 

I opened my eyes…

It was too late.