Out of This World

Chapter Six

It was half past 9 and we were pacing back and forth through the hallways, ignoring the sideways glances from the nurses - technically it was bedtime. You know how some people say when something good is in front of you, you don't see it until it's too late? Well, I saw it walking next to me, his footsteps matching mine, and I hoped more than anything that I saw it in time.

"You know, Mars, out of the six billion people in the world, I'm glad I made room in my life for you." Toby looked at me in a way I never knew I wanted him to, as if I was the only person in the ward, the only thing he could see.

I never had much room in my life for boys, with the hospitalization and twisted depression that consume me, but if I had, I was sure I'd be the one to go for the sad boys. Boys like Toby. With sunken eyes and a lanky build, a heartbeat that threatens to stop at any minute.

I was sure I'd be the one to find boys to save, because focusing on someone else made it so much easier to stop focusing on myself. When I looked at Toby, I knew I couldn't heal him. But I wanted so desperately to try, because I was afraid I couldn't heal myself either.

"Seven billion," I whispered, trying to hide the shaking in my voice.

"What?"

"There's seven billion people in the world, not six."

Toby laughed, as if I had told him the funniest joke he'd ever heard.

"Mars, there could be 100 billion people out there, and the only one I'd care about is standing right in front of me."

I looked away, trying to hide my blush. I had no idea what I was doing here. I was so far out of my depth. I had never known how to talk to boys, and now here one was, making me want to give him the world.

What was I supposed to say?

"Sometimes I feel guilty for all the time I've taken, all the time I've wasted, all the money spent, all the money basically thrown away on me," I said, figuring it best to open up too, "I've been sent here eight times, all longer than normal stays, and I've never made it more than a year on the outside. These four walls have been my high school, my college, my entire life. I've wasted so much of myself, and so much of others, all because I can't stop from going fucking crazy."

"What is it like?" he asked, casually taking hold of my hand as we paced.

"What do you mean?"

"What is it like, being crazy? All I have is a horrible compulsion to stick a needle in my vein, which is crazy in itself, but what is it like to have your brain turn against you?"

He started tracing my palm with his finger, and I could tell he really was curious.

"Sometimes I just feel too much." I didn't know what else to say. So many people had asked me that question, and there was never a right answer.

"Come on Mars, that's all I get?"

"Seriously, what's so wrong with not wanting to talk about what happened? With not wanting to talk at all? You're always pushing. What's so wrong with wanting to forget, for just a minute, that anything's wrong? Just be grateful that I'm not dead. Not on the outside, anyways."

He just looked at me. Everything I had just said was bullshit, I didn't really believe it. And Toby knew that. I wasn't getting out of this that easily.

Luckily, Duncan came to the rescue.

"Lights out was twenty minutes ago," he reminded us sternly, though there was a gleam in his eye when he did so. "I'm surprised you're still up, Marina. You're usually tucked away by now."