Out of This World

Chapter Twelve

"I loved her too deep, too fast, and now I'm terrified that she's going to leave."

"I don't think she'd do that, Toby."

"Maybe not. But even if she doesn't, I'm a little terrified that I will."

"You won't. I know you love her, Toby. But not everyone who falls in love gets to have a happy ending. Not all people get to fall into someone else's arms. Sometimes all you get is the taste of what it could be."

"Damn, Duncan, when did you get so wise?" I heard Toby's voice through the door. "Have you been taking meds too?"

There was nothing but a sigh, one I was positive belonged to Duncan.

"The thing is, loving her is like walking through hell, but I don't ever want the path to end. I love her and she loves me but sometimes she gets too sad, and it hurts. And sometimes I want to get high, and the story just keeps repeating itself and I don't know if we can write a different ending."

Maybe one day I'll look back on this time and I'll regret being here, regret the things I've done and the choices I've made. But I know, I won't regret her. Knowing her is the first taste of freedom I've had in a long, long time, Duncan. Because the thing is, I'm willing to go through it all for her, and that scares me sometimes. Maybe even more than it scares her."

"I know, Toby. I just don't know if you really want to be free."

"Maybe not, but I do know that she makes me want to not be so broken anymore."

I whisked around and ran down the hallway. I had gone to Toby's room to see him, to tell him I loved him and that I didn't care how sick we were, how unhealthy things might get. I was going to tell him that we could become the kind of people that had happy endings, and that we would get married someday. But hearing that, I got cold feet.

Hearing the tone in Toby's voice when he admitted to Duncan that he was scared, that loving me was like being in hell, and that he still wanted to do it - that was terrifying.

I wasn't sure what was wrong with me, but something definitely was. More than just the depression, even more than just the commitment issues, the doubt, and the resentment. Something was wrong deep in my soul, something that made me want to hide under my covers and disappear the moment someone showed how they really felt about me.

I wanted to think that I didn't know why Toby would say all that to Duncan, but I couldn't. Because I knew exactly why.

I was hard to love, hard to be around, just hard in general. My heart wasn't warm and soft like Toby's. Even without drugs, it was cold and shut off.

I wished I could spread my sadness around. Make everyone take a little piece of it, so it wasn't so crippling. People didn't really need to be happy, just like I didn't need to be depressed. It would only be fair if everyone had to share it with me.

I knew that wasn't how it worked, but I wanted it to be so, so badly.

To either my disappointment or to my relief (I couldn't figure out which one yet), I did just that. I ran past the nurses station, ignored Dr. Watts calling out my name as I flew by, and I dove into my bed - the only safe place in this damn hospital.