Out of This World

Chapter Ten

"You're so beautiful."

"I haven't showered in a week, Toby."

"You're right, you reek. I don't know what I was thinking." He smirked when he teased me, making sure I knew it was okay.

"Do you really think so?"

"That you smell? Absolutely, I could tell from the other side of the unit."

"No, that I'm beautiful."

"Again, absolutely, Mars. I could tell that from the other side of the world."

God, he was so cliche.

"You and that dumb jacket," I replied, playfully pulling on the sleeve. I was feeling better than the week before, thanks to Toby's tough love. I didn't realize that I needed him as much as I did until he dragged me out of bed.

"Hey, don't hate on the jacket," Toby said, "you may not like it, but it's got class."

I just stared at him.

"Okay, maybe not class," he admitted sheepfully, "but it isn't that bad. I like it."

"Why, because it hides you?" I asked, "while also making sure you're seen?"

"Exactly. It makes people see only what I want them to see. It's a distraction. I'm basically like a peacock."

I thought about that for a second.

"I'd like to be a peacock," I said thoughtfully, "or any kind of bird, really."

"Why?"

"Because then I could just fly away. I wouldn't be stuck in my mind or my problems, because I could just go somewhere new and start all over again."

"Let's go," Toby said suddenly, a gleam in his eyes, "let's go somewhere exciting and new and not tell anybody where we are. It'll be fun. It'll be our first adventure."

That sounded appealing, but unrealistic. Toby might not think about that kind of thing often, but it was one of my favorites to obsess over.

"We don't have that option," I said regretfully, "we have too many things in our way. Too many people telling us how to be happy, how to be healthy. We don't get to make choices like that on our own."

"Are you two lovebirds done?" Duncan asked, "I'm trying to start group now."

Looking away from Toby, I noticed that the dayroom had filled up while we had been talking. Duncan was standing at the front of the room, writing on the dingy whiteboard.

"Sorry," I mumbled, embarrassed.

Toby didn't seem to share my feelings, though, because when I started to scoot away from him, he grabbed my hand.

"If you could give us a few more minutes to be disgustingly cute, I'd appreciate it," he said in a way that no one could be sure was a joke or not.

Both Duncan and I ignored him, although in the process of doing so I turned bright red, and I was sure everyone noticed. Thankfully, Duncan chose to ignore that too.

"Group today consists of craft," he explained, pulling out a little clay figuring, "we're going to be making sculptures of ourselves and who we want to be."

"So like a voodoo doll?" Toby asked, perking up.

"Not at all like a voodoo doll," Duncan replied, rolling his eyes, "this is supposed to be a positive group."

"I need to make a voodoo doll of myself, so I can pump it full of serotonin," I suggested, thinking that would actually be a pretty good idea.

"If you get one, I get one too. I'll pump it full of -"

"Watch it, Toby," Duncan interrupted.

"Calm down," Toby replied, smirking his signature smirk, "I was going to say I'd pump it full of recovery. What, did you think I was gonna say heroin?"

I laughed, as did a few of the other patients, and I even saw Duncan crack a small, barely noticeable smile.

"Not appropriate," he said, but in a halfhearted way.

"Nothing fun is appropriate in this place," Toby said, winking at me. It was as if his goal was to make me blush, and it was working.

"Knock it off," I whispered, "you're going to get us in trouble."

"What, more trouble than you spending days in bed, or me slamming dope? What are they gonna do? Lock us up in a psych ward? Oh, wait. They already did."

Toby said it jokingly, but there was a hint of bitterness in his voice. I was starting to see through his happy-go-lucky attitude about being here.

"You'll get to go home eventually," I reminded him, "they won't keep you here forever."

"We'll get to go home," he said gently, grabbing my hand. I didn't know what he meant by that, and I didn't really want to. Toby had a lot of ideas, only some of which I was let it on, and I didn't know if I liked it.

Toby leaned over to whisper in my ear.

"I'm going to marry you someday, Mars."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked, "Are you high?"

"No, I'm serious. I'm going to marry you someday. When we're not stuck in a place like this, when we're happy and healthy and you can touch the stars. I'm going to wake up next to you every morning, make you breakfast every day. I'll give you my jacket when it's cold and never let you be sad. I'm going to shower you with kisses and love and believe in all your dreams."

"I don't have any dreams."

"Well that's okay, because I have enough for the both of us."

He kissed me, and all of a sudden I could feel my heart beat faster, my knees threaten to go out, and my head get dizzy. I had never felt like this before, but I was pretty sure I liked it.

"Toby! Marina! Seriously?" Duncan exclaimed, stopping group entirely, "you can't just sit in the corner and mack down on each other. Go to your rooms."

For once, Duncan seemed pissed. Toby shrugged and got up, with me following behind like a scolded puppy dog. I could feel everyone's eyes on us, and it was almost worth the kiss.

Almost.

"You scare the shit out of me," I told him as we walked down the hallway.

Toby laughed, and it made my heart fuller. "Why's that?" he asked.

How could I explain it?

"Because you make me want to not be so sad anymore," I said, "you make me want to tear my walls down and let you inside, and it terrifies me how much you want me to do that too."

I grabbed Toby's hand as we walked traced the palm of his hand with my finger, not able to look at him directly. We stopped outside my room, and I realized that even with his being in the opposite direction, Toby had walked me to mine.

"Yet you're still here," Toby whispered, pulling his hand away and putting it under my chin. "Why?"

I didn't have much of an answer for him.

"I can't promise you much."
"I don't need anything you can't give me."