annie
"i don't know, i just don't think this is gonna work," i said, looking up at the boy across from me. "i'm sorry."
asher shrugged before gently squeezing my hand.
"it's okay, i understand."
we had gotten back from new york two days ago. i knew i had to face things. and so i called asher and invited him to coffee.
i knew what i wanted, and it wasn't him.
a few minutes later, after we had said our goodbyes, i plugged my headphones in and started the walk back to my house. i decided to take a shortcut, which took me past a park and through some trees and behind them was the mountains, hiding the sun that had just started to fall.
i couldn't help but wish things were as simple as knowing that the sun will rise.
-
3:27 am.
this wasn't my first sleepless night. usually, though, they were because i had started an episode of friends or a facetime call and decided that sleep was less important.
this was the opposite.
this one had been tearful and anxious and heavy and i felt unsure and almost scared. scared of myself and scared of everything i felt and everything i didn't know and suddenly i was panicking and couldn't breathe and all i could think was jayden.
"hello?" i knew i had woken her up with the phone call, and i just hoped it wasn't too much.
"i can't, j-jay. i don't know what t-to do, please-"
"annie?" she said, suddenly sounding wide awake. "what's wrong?"
"how did- when- how did you know?" i choked out, not knowing how to say it.
"how did i know what?"
"that it was okay," i was slowly calming down, but tears were still running down my cheeks and i still just couldn't let everything go. "that it was okay to like girls."
she didn't say anything for a minute, but i swore i could hear her breath hitch.
"i- uhm- i didn't. not until i told you that night. and then you hugged me and said that you would never stop loving me and i- i don't know. it was just okay. where is this coming from?"
"i kissed you and you kissed me and you're so beautiful," i wasn't even sure what i was saying at this point, i just needed to say something, "and i realized that i had never said it and what if it wasn't okay once i said it."
"oh anns." i didn't like the pity in her voice.
"i just- i had never though that.. you know."
"whoever you are and however you want to say it is up to you. it's your choice. and if you don't know yet that's okay. and when you do know, it's still going to be okay. nobody is going to stop loving you."
i sat in my shame and fear for an eternity, until, "jayden?"
"yes, annie?"
"i think- i think i'm gay."
and she was right. it was okay and i was okay. and, for the first time in a long time, i felt like i could finally breathe again.
a/n: please always remember that you are valid and deserving of love.
if you need help, or feel alone, please reach out to someone.
hotlines: teenhealthandwellness.com/static/hotlines
