Epilogue

A List of Things I've Learned at Funerals

After the 3rd one you start to become numb.
It's not that death loses its touch, it's more that you forget how to feel it. You start to become accustomed to losing those you love. At this point it's almost a routine. The crying feels routine, and eventually you grow out of that too.

      2.   Funerals sound cold, but feel warm.
Your family lines up to say goodbye to the body, and though you know that you've said goodbye to them a thousand times before it's much different. This time they can't say it back. The person standing next to you is tear stained while you gaze idly at what used to be. Every bone in your body has a dull ache to it, your heart has a rhythm that is unfamiliar, but you are warm. You look forward to the food people bring. Trying to look forward to anything at all is difficult.

      3.   You are alive.
Something about the brandy in your dad's liquor cabinet calls your name. You watch your dad take his 3rd shot that day, and it's barely midday. When you sneak one behind his back the alcohol starts to warm your chest in a way that reminds you that you are alive. A hand on your back coupled with an apology at the funeral reminds you that you are alive. All your senses are heightened, reminding you that you are alive. It's as if the world is trying to remind you that you are alive, or maybe you're just searching for it.

      4.   Pictures are different.
As you gaze at the pictures of yourself as a kid surrounded by family friends you start to count off who is still alive. When you enter these churches you are greeted by the oh-so-still face of the person who used to be, surrounded by flowers, and a tinge of melancholy.  When you go home you'll search through photo albums to find them. You always wondered why your parents kept so many pictures, and as you flip through the pages you start to realize why. The feeling you get in your gut when you see a picture of yourself surrounded by people who are no longer there is like no other. You will forget this feeling until the next funeral.

      5.   You have changed.
You feel something in you has changed, and you aren't quite sure if it's because they aren't there anymore. But when you see your reflection in the punch bowl after the funeral you know something is off. Something in the way you smile and maneuver yourself is different since the last time you have looked at yourself at one of these things. You are convinced that you will never be the same, and later you will realize that it's not a bad thing to change. You start to realize that you were always changing, and their absence was just a reminder of that.

      6.   It's never easy.
None of it ever is. But you'll get through it. You know you will.