One Ticket to Fill a Lacuna

Chapter 16 || A Change in Heart

Chapter 16-               

            I’ve concluded that being happy only makes me more susceptible to being painstakingly let down. I had been so happy stepping off of the train, and the smallest things got me so irate after that. There was Orson with his bomb-dropping question and the reveal that the only reason he made his decision was because he had time to think about it previously. He didn’t just care that much. Then, Blaine. Now, sitting on the bench, waiting for the bus that my father instructed me to take, I can hardly recall what made me so angry about Blaine. She had been slightly insensitive; rude, at the very worse. Yet, I told her off as if she’d killed one of my pets.

            And now, they’re both gone. Orson is going about his trip with his father, and Blaine is taking care of herself in some other way. All I know is that I’m alone. There’s nobody to lean on. There’s nothing to push me through; except a collection of papers from my father. But, those papers don’t give Blaine’s cheesy pep talks. They don’t have stormy violet eyes that make me fall in love. They aren’t human.

            I want to go back and fix everything. I want to rewind time and instead of lashing out at Blaine, just laugh at her remark about Orson and continue on our quest to find my father together. Being alone doesn’t feel all that great. An empty void gnaws at my insides. Without the company of another person, my own emotions attack each other, showing no mercy as they muddle and confuse me further. But then again, if I could rewind time, I’d go farther back; to where my father was still at home. Maybe I could’ve prevented him from leaving, instead of running after him now, twelve years subsequent.

            These are all thoughts running through my head as I stare down at my shoes, wiggling my toes without much else to keep me entertained. I have already read through every single foul remark scribbled in permanent marker on the sides of the small shelter at the bus stop. The bench I’m sitting on is on one side of the shelter, and an allusive homeless man sits comfortably on the other side, his scraggly beard peppered with spots of graying hair. A woman stands outside of the shelter, scrolling through her phone. Her blonde hair reminds me of Candace; the therapist that Blaine took me to.

            Thinking it over, I don’t quite understand why Blaine ever took me to see her. She didn’t really do anything different compared to other people willing to help me. She just listened. But, I guess that was enough, because now I’m here, in Portland, one step closer to finding my father. Having Candace simply sit there, not ask too many useless questions, and appear engaged in my thoughts somehow made me surer of myself. I became more convinced that finding my father would be plausible, and when she didn’t doubt me or point out any flaws in my plan, I had developed a new sense of, “This is going to happen.” It’s just bitter, looking back on it now, that it was Blaine who made it all happen. Blaine; who has helped me in ways unthinkable. Blaine; who has guided me through rough patches in life. Blaine; who I told she wasn’t important, and made her believe that she isn’t necessary for this trip’s success.

            I let out a discontented sigh.

            “Feeling down, girly?” the homeless man rasps. “Maybe give this old man some cash and you’ll get better karma.”

            I am taken aback and shake my head ‘no’, getting up from the bench uncomfortably so that I don’t have to be near him. I have to get inside my own head and fix things. If I’m going to be utterly alone, I may as well make use of it. I have to answer pending questions.

            Is Blaine actually necessary for this trip, or is she someone who’s holding me back, like Orson seems to believe?  Maybe I depend on her too much. Maybe I shouldn’t be here. Maybe I should get out of Portland and go back home. Maybe I should try to put my mom through some sort of therapy and piece out broken family back together. Do I really need my father to be there? I could do it on my own.