journey

wake, anxiety, sleep, repeat

i woke up and stepped out of bed, another day, i hope this one can be better.

i look in the mirror to see a fimilar face starting back at me, i look at her. things havent improved. smile? gone. body image? not the way they like it. confidence? broken. i make a list of things that are missing from this person i see staring back at me, and i begin to feel a weight push me down. what a healthy way to start a day. 

i stretch as i walk towards my door and i can hear the kettle going off, my mother is up. 

'good-morning mum'

'good-morning sweetheart' she replies. i play it over in my head. 'sweetheart?' stop lying mum.

lately my days have gone the same, i will wake up, overly tired even though i get the same amount of sleep, i look at my phone and i see maybe one message from my best friend, thats about it. these days have been pretty lonely and especially lately,  i've been distancing myself from people, crying more than i should and my mindset has been unhealthy. why? it is an abundance of things, but lately one thing has been effecting me the most. this one aspect of my life that normally i would be happy with has changed drastically and i don't know how to fix it.

i try, i ask people, i get opinions and i cry. i get told 'don't bother anymore, if it's not working and you are getting upset over it then there is no point because it's just going to be the same all the time'.

but i cant. its something in my life that makes me feel happy, it is my other half. its the thing that makes me smile, laugh and love. its like losing someone to death and asking them to come back to life, you cant do that, they changed into another form and fait accepted that. i don't know if i can accept this. i try, i adjust my days and my emotions to keep this one thing stable, then i gave up and i ignore it, i am rude to it and then i feel guilty so i go back to pretending. its a vicious cycle, one that damages my body.

'luce, you getting ready?'

my mind clicks back into reality; 'yes mum, almost done.'

i continue to put on my makeup, jewellery and get dressed to somewhat please society. my closest pal anxiety tries to ruin my days, but i have a pill to stop it. i take two instead of one three times a day because i cant risk it, i cant even communicate to people anymore. it takes over my self esteem, i now can say i have hate for myself. Some days i try to pack a healthy lunch, makes me feel good, if anything can.

on the bus i listen to music for the whole time, my playlists on Spotify range from pop to rock to rap and i constantly change. i am very indecisive. 

A song flicked on called 'clumsy love' by Thelma Plum. 

'i can only love you half as much before you fuck this up... your clumsy love you keep me hanging. am i not enough? dont keeping me hanging. ive gotta destroy it, tell me im the only one. our clumsy love, is she ever going away? never going away.'

'where were you when i called?'

these lyrics circle my mind over and over. it brings my thoughts to a dark place, why does this happen. i turn off the music and switch to a podcast, david dobriks 'VIEWS', this usually makes me smile or laugh. the rest of the trip i listened to david and jason talk about their friends, funny things happen on flights and more. i wish things could be simple.

nadia and i walk off the bus, we enter the school gates. anxiety whispers in my ear; 'theyre all looking at you, dont walk like that, you look gross today' 

i go quiet, i need to stop these thoughts, im calling for help but i cant say the words, she holds me back'

my earphones are still in so i swap to another song; Are you bored yet? by the Wallows.

'whats wrong? you have been asking but i dont have an answer. how come? im still thinking lets pretend to fall asleep now'

why do songs always have to be so god darn relatable, i need some happier songs on. i swap it onto Hayden James 'nowhere to go' and it brings my spirit up. yes the title isnt the best but it has a good beat, lol.

we get to the canteen and sit in the warm room. anxiety starts to come over me as the guys table is next to us, they all stare as we sit down, nadia and i look over and we both smile at them. theyre so attractive but intimidating. we turn to the side where they cant see us, this is always so awkward.

i look at my timetable; maths, ancient history, lunch.

wow, two worst classes first. my mind races to think about all of the bad things that will happen in them, why does today have to be so bad?