journey

a new day

times have changed. school has gone back, but its different now. i actually feel like my place in this crazed society is clearer to me, and i feel happier here now. 

my mornings don't change. one thing that has is that i no longer have snapchat, that has made a major difference in my life. i always wait for that notification from that one person, its toxic. people ask me; 'why snapchat and not instagram?' and my answer to that is personal but i know that i'm not alone. some people just aren't the same, and it makes myself and others sad, so i deleted the app. skip to 5 days and i am happier, so much happier and mentally healthier. 

back to my morning; i wake up, with instagram dm's, iMessages and facebook notifications. it's never anything toxic, just what i like. just what i have trued to avoid. i look in the mirror. i am getting better at loving myself, its hard but i am getting there. i have changed my diet, i am working out. i may not have changed yet physically but mentally i have developed a mindset that is so powerful, or at least somewhat more than before. 

'two steps forward, one back'.

my mother is lovely to me, she just doesn't understand me, but not a-lot of people do. its mainly one person, but i don't want to pile all of my problems onto him. we have become closer, i appreciate that. 

i eat almond spread with avocado, salt and pepper on toast and have a glass of water, a nice and clean way to start my day.  i look at my phone again and reply to some messages, its mainly my friends replying from the night before. i hardly get messages anymore but i am okay with that. i'm not stressing over people and if they are going to talk to me or not.

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skip forward a day; i am not at school today. i took a day off to clear my mind, i have been tense today. i re-downloaded snapchat . why? i wanted to see who had messaged me, i also felt out of place. my heart was racing as i put my username and password into my phone. my fingers shaking, my anxiety creeping over my shoulder, am i ready? do i want to see what may be on my phone? positive or negative? from the people i am afraid of or the people i love? or loved? i wont know until i look. i press 'login'.

it loads, my anxiety creeps closer. why did i do it? i'm stupid i shouldn't have. but i need to, but i don't need to, but its necessary. it loads. 

two people added me, okay thats alright i know them, they're nice people. i have 10 snapchats, 3 group chats and i see their name. why haven't i blocked them. i cant block them, they havent done anything i dont want a problem i just want to be happy, i dont want to be locked in here any more. i open it, its nothing bad but it had bad intentions. i begin to cry. why me, why does this happen to me, i have done nothing wrong, i just want the best. tears stroll down my face and i reply. im not being selfish am i? i dont want to be, i just want to be fair, some people dont get it. its hard, why is this so hard. i just want to talk normally, i dont want any sweet talk. 

i just want to scream. i open two other snapchats, reply and delete it, i cant fucking do this anymore, can i deactivate my account? no, but i dont want it, but i do want it. why are things so confusing. i just want to leave the country finally.

i close the app. delete it for the 3rd time this fortnight. i hate it, why is it so toxic? for me anyway. i cant stop crying about you. i miss you, i fucking miss you.

question; why do i spend my days thinking about, my nights having nightmares about you and my evenings crying about you if i doubt you even think or care for a second? my time is being wasted. i just want to give up. i cant.