Her Secret Place

Gone....

Why would I have to compromise what I want and need. I don't ask for the world just to be secure in the world of the person I'm dealing with. I don't really need much just a little quality time here and there and I'm good. My generation lacks the patience of figuring out anybody to see if there is even compatibility.

Just because you sit the same room as me is not the same as quality time, in my presence but your attention is not on me isn't the same. Granted every moment your with me I don't need all of it but I do require some of it. It's always a war zone with you some days there is no war but the anticipation that leads up to the war; knowing that at any moment things could go left or there is a bomb thrown in my sanctuary my place of peace my refuge!

I give you space hoping that when you come back I finally get my time... get high, sleep, and demand food from me is all I get. "Bae you hungry" "Babe I want XYZ" sex isn't even a regular so I'm learning to love without it, if fact some areas are teaching me to live without you period. I just don't believe Love has lead us both here. She has made me question love in so many ways not the love that I'm use to though, just the love that she "says" she has for me the kind that she only confessed to having when she is losing me to pull me back in. Sometimes I regret the day I let her tamper with me heart, above all else that's what I'm suppose to guard right.... but I gave it to her freely, passionately, willingly, and sometimes aggressively.

It grew but sometimes it felt like a cycle I was continually thrown in. Love real real hard in the beginning, get tired of me, fake an escape to give yourself space for a few weeks then come back for the chase again to get me back then it starts all over again.... it's boring to me, it's unnecessary drama created, a waste of time, and most importantly damaging. The that's what works for her, not me. In fact this experience is teaching me about me more than I thought. I know for sure what I don't like and what I'm not looking for ever again. I'll know the signs but still give that chance for the next relationship to show me something different. Secretly she know and I know this isn't a forever type thing. It's a moment for her a void to fill until she is ready for her ultimate transition in her life. That's not fair for me though feedings of a fairytale that was just BullSh*t I should have smelled the moment she opened her mouth. I probably did smell it but someone where a part of me wanted to love her to life, wanted to give her a piece of love she has never experienced, I wanted a chance to relive my 17 yr old fantasy of being with her, wanted her period. Today I have to accept that that's not my responsibility and to live my life.

Am I asking for too much from you? Or are you not providing enough of what I need? Like the glass is half full or half empty. Depends on how you look at it I guess. From your perspective you spend a lot of time with me at my house a lot in my presence if not in the same room it's either the next room over, sometimes it's too much time for you but that doesn't account for the time I require. I can't say it any clearer than I already have, you get it you understand it, you've even told me how much your tired of hearing it and you don't need to here over and over but yet... that's where I lack with you. Then your upset when I ask for time like "bae I've been here with you all day" when technically your body is here but your mind is somewhere else, your attention is faded, and your soul is fighting for your identity. Today it's your cramp and the dyer need to smoke the pain away is at the forefront of every move you make. I don't even bother asking myself is it worth the fight any more, is it worth the energy for an argument. I secretly just let things be because in the end when it's really all said in done a small piece wonders if I would have fallen out of love and taught myself to live with out while still in your presence. Your absence is conditioning me for what I don't know what the future holds I just hope I'm ready for the move as much as you are.

I'm tired. Tired of living a one sided fairytale, where everything is perfect for you but not for me. Yesterday I felt like Cinderella "night and day it's Cinderella" woke up cooked breakfast lunch and dinner and still had to beg for attention I never got. You laid down beside me ready to ease your mind for today and I'm waiting to just have time with you... I let you escape, I let you listen to music, talk to other friends, smoke with family thinking yea if I give you this time you'll come running back to me undivided... wrong! You said if it's something I'm missing let you know at that point I was over it, I keep telling you what I need the last time I expressed it you told me you don't need to keep hearing the same thing over and over you know what I need but yet that is where I lack.... I give all day what you need and the strain of doing it while I'm on "E" is catching up to me. There is more to me than preparing you something to eat but it seems like you only notice it when your losing me. Honestly I don't want to play the game that keeps you interested in me and showing me the attention I deserve in the first place not the last place when I'm moving past whatever we had. Sadly that's when you notice me the most.

Some days I wish that I could take a journey through your mind. What are you thinking ? Like now? Give me something to salvage this... I'm giving up on you and you barely even notice. We just had sex and let's just say it literally felt like a fuck... I feel disgusted and raped. There was no connection no eye contact no before play no nothing I tried to blank out the fact that I was sooo distant with the fact I was getting penetrated but there were moments where I just sat there waiting for it to be over! I was glad it was over. I hate it has come to this but it has.

I went into this Rip current with all knowledge on how to survive (meaning this relationship with you) I fought the waves the difficult ones the easy ones but in the midst of getting back to you I was fighting for my own life... In those moments I had to choose myself in order to live for another decision. Yet I still fought to get back to you... alternating between my love for me and my love for you. It's getting so tiring and I'm now so far I can't even see the promises that were made to get me here. I can't give anymore energy to finding my way back to a piece of you that actually loves me and not for your own selfish desires. I've drifted so far that you don't even notice I'm gone......