The Aesthetic Question

Drifting

[Blue - Taeyeon]

Aurora had not talked to anyone in the household for a long time. Of course there had been brief exchanges of courtesy, saying good morning, bidding each other goodbye. But even those were particularly curt, bordering on insensitive. It seemed as if the better their career prospects were looking, the farther they drift away from each other. It struck her as an odd occurrence. Doesn't having some degree of success at long last mean having more time to focus on other things, like relationships?

On the days she didn't have practice, she'd sit cross-legged on the wooden floor and read a book or scribble on her diary. It had been ages since she last heard vibrating violin strings. Nowadays only the angry revving of car engines came knocking on her window frames. Sometimes made her angry too, but most of the time it made her cry.

She couldn't recall ever being this lonely. There had been numerous days that she spent in a similar fashion, waking up to silence, dining in silence, dancing in silence. Yet she never truly knew the significance of these moments until now. Now the heavy weight of being surrounded by loads of people but still feeling like she was alone hung over her head every day. There was no one to share small victories or hilarious incidents. She would scroll through her list of contacts and find text conversations that ended weeks ago or ones that no one bothered replying.

She would have optimistic days when someone from work sparked an interesting topic, or when some good-looking guy came over to chat, or when she met up with a good friend for lunch. But those happy moments were often short-lived. She desperately wanted to be content with what she had. But she couldn't stop herself from envying everyone and everything. For having companionship more than anything.

Grace was the first to exit the stage. It was late August when she announced that she had been offered a place of higher seniority within the company three states over. Everyone except Alex threw a party for her, consisting of mild alcohol and overpriced cakes. Even though she procrastinated to pack until the last three days, she managed to move out before the next lease started by the start of September.

Given that Berkley was the closest to Grace among the five, Aurora found it curious that she went to work instead of sending Grace off the morning the moving trucks arrived. That night, Aurora sat on one of the high stools in the kitchen and waited until Berkley came back. When she finally did unlock the door just past midnight, she seemed to be unusually happy. Taking a deep breath for courage, Aurora asked her why she didn't see Grace off.

Berkley kept her face neutral. 'Something came up from work.'

'I thought you and Grace were close.'

'I'm not close with anyone.' Berkley put her canvas tote bag on the kitchen counter and opened the fridge. 'There's no one I can't do without.'

The past few months Aurora had come to see Berkley as a steady companion, someone to go grocery shopping with, someone who's always up for a cup of hot chocolate and an occasional whine. Does that mean none of it means as much to her as they do to me? Am I also just a passing note in her life, and not a friend she would miss? Aurora kept her mouth sealed.

Berkley pulled out a glass from the cupboards and filled it half-full with strawberry smoothie. 'Friends are what makes you happy. When they're here, you share a good laugh, you have a good conversation or two. When they're not, life goes on.'

Spoken so light-heartedly, Aurora almost felt like it's equal parts easy said and done. When applied to herself, however, she probably would not be able to act so nonchalant. She spent years learning how to battle loneliness. It was a long process, one that involved forcing herself to do things on her own, and trying not to feel too sorry for herself. There has certainly been improvements, yet the improvements had been incremental over the years. Once in a while, her heart still twinged upon seeing people she knew go off in groups, happily chattering. Coming across merry pictures of group outings on social media can also put her back on square one. She couldn't seem to stop this poisonous habit either. Aurora couldn't help but wonder how Berkley did it. Is it an attitude that just comes with who you are? Am I always going to feel lonely despite everything? Can I ever stop being bothered by it?