The Silver Heart

22

"Are you okay?" Liss asked from downstairs.

Even after all that, she was still worried for me?

I couldn't stand it- so I started to cry again, and I wobbled to my feet unsteadily before bolting to my room and falling onto my unmade bed. I never answered Liss. I just lay there, letting my hot tears trickle into the sheets. The tears made the only movement in the room. There were no sounds this time. Just the soft whirring of the ceiling fan and the sound of a sudden light shower against the glass of the skylight in the hall.

I missed the annoying sounds. I felt alone.

Then, suddenly, I found myself thinking of the last time I'd done this- cried into my bed, that is. I thought about a couple days ago, when the trouble with Katie had just started and I'd been sobbing to Alex about how stupid I'd been. I'd felt like there could never be any greater pain.

Why did I feel worse now? This was worse than that afternoon- it was far worse than whatever I'd felt minutes before. I felt like there was nothing left inside of me but burning, slow tears and empty space. Something had broken, and I'd hurt Liss so badly I wondered if she'd ever truly recover.

How could I have hurt her like that? How could I have hated someone who cared so much about me? I knew all the places she was hurting, and instead of trying to help her get better I'd aimed right for the places she was most sensitive and stabbed at them in an et tu, Brute moment.

It wasn't Liss's fault that Brad had decided to reject and betray me. It wasn't her fault! And why had I reproached her with her awkward ways or her looks? They were just parts of her. She hadn't asked for them.

Memories from the past two days started to flood my mind. Liss, telling me that she loved my drawings. Liss, congratulating me for my good work on that English assignment- she'd been a little clumsy about it, but she'd been so genuinely proud of me. Liss, burning eggs on the stove and splashing peanut oil on the counter. I'd been so annoyed with her then, but now I laughed a little through the choked feeling in the back of my throat.

There were other memories- playing games, making art and music- Liss was a fountain of creativity. It had been so easy to make beautiful things when I was with her. It had been so easy to talk to her. She was so intelligent. She had a hard time phrasing things right sometimes, but when she did- all her advice was priceless!

And then another memory came to me. Liss, laughing so hard she was almost crying. There had been such beauty in not only her face, but her entire being. How could I have ever called her ugly?

Liss had told me once about how my smile could light up a room. Remembering her, I realized she was right. And everything else she'd said about me was true, too- about my sense of humor, and my creativity. I knew it! Because she was witty. She was creative. There was nothing I couldn't imagine Liss doing if she really wanted to- nothing except voluntarily hurting me.

That was the real difference between us. Where I saw only faults and flaws, Liss saw what was good about me. She loved what was good about me. And there was so much to love! How had I never seen that?

I couldn't stand to think about that look in Liss's eyes. But I knew why that was. And I knew why this hurt so bad.

It didn't matter what Brad thought of me. It didn't matter what Peter Goldberg thought of me. It didn't even matter what Alex thought of me. Because somehow, the person whose opinion and love I had come to value most over the past couple of days had become Liss. I would survive Brad's poor opinion- but Liss's?

I hated being alive knowing that she was disappointed in me. I respected her. Liss was intelligent. She was funny, and witty. She had a beautiful voice and a talent for drawing. She was compassionate, patient, and kind. She was a loyal friend and entertaining companion. She was insightful, creative...and yes, beautiful. Beautiful because she was happy.

She was wonderful, and I loved her. It was so funny that I'd once thought it impossible to do such a thing. How could I not love her?

I had to tell her I was sorry. Really- getting angry over something as silly as Brad? Suddenly getting up was not only achievable but easy. And I dashed to the door, threw it open so hard it could have left a dent in the wall, and tore down the stairs.

"Liss! Liss, I'm sorry about what I said earlier. It was stupid; I didn't need to get so worked up about what Alex told-"

I skidded to a halt in the middle of the piano room. There was no one there.

Could she be in the kitchen? The living room? Maybe she was sulking downstairs or in the coat closet about my stupidity. Hoping against hope I ran through the entire house calling her name, even when I knew the truth- that Liss was gone. My voice got more and more desperately hoarse- until I could hardly speak anymore.

"No!" I pounded a fist against the basement wall. There was a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was angry, though I didn't know who exactly my anger should be directed towards. "She has to be here," I croaked. "Please, please, she can't leave like this- not when I didn't get to say sorry, or goodbye- goodbye..."

Had I imagined everything? Was I just waking up from some kind of crazy dream?

I almost started crying again, but I was distracted by a sound I had thought I might never hear again- the sound of the garage door opening above my head.

Somebody was home, and my life had begun once more. There was nothing I could do.

Nothing except live the way Liss's double should live.