All That We Are...

Chaper 18

Carter

The minute I slam the door I hear soft sobs coming from the other side. The last thing I wanted to do was make her cry. After coming back from helping Roger all I could think about was her. I tried my hardest to fight the feelings that have emerged, I just cant now they've become to much and after what we shared in the shower I'll never be able to go back. Then my dumb ass had to make a comment about her panic attack earlier and she blew up. I know I shouldn't of acted the way I did but when she said I didn't have feelings my first instinct was to protect myself.

Maybe it was a good thing I said that stuff, she at least needs to realise that those things walking around out there are not human. Then again listening to her cry standing outside her door makes my chest ache. Raking my hands through my hair I turn for the stairs. As much as it kills me to not be close to her while she sleeps I need to stay away from her, for now.

Stepping on the porch I see Roger in his usual chair.

"Everything alright?" He asks as I start to climb down the steps.

"Yea, just going to sleep in the barn for tonight. Thought maybe it would be best that there is someone in it." I lie to him. But it's better then saying No Roger it's not alright, your daughter hates me because I say stupid shit that I really don't mean and I made her cry.

"She has a big heart. Always has ever since she was little. Out of the two of them I always worried about her because she would be the one that would actually think the man in the van had candy. God, she sees the good in everyone and it's one thing I admire most about her. Even now the world is changing but if anyone is going to see the tiniest hope that good will come out of it it's Henley." Looking at him talk about his daughter eases the ache in my chest some. Not growing up with a father I sometimes like to think maybe he would've said nice things about me. But then again probably not considering he left before I was born.

"Carter I appreciate everything you have done for her and well all of us but I can't focus on keeping this place going and making sure she doesn't get hurt." When he says hurt I know he means hurt by me.

"There's nothing going on. It's just she's feeling better so I have no reason to have to sleep in that wooden chair. It'd be nice to get a good rest for once." I say with a shaky voice. Lying used to be so easy for me but saying this to Roger right now I get a pit in my stomach.

"Yeah that chair can be pretty uncomfortable." Nodding my head I turn for the barn not wanting to carry on a conversation any longer.

Stepping into my little area I crash on top of the stiff cot that is now my bed. Rolling on my stomach I reach under the bed and grab the picture of my mom.

I found it the day after her funeral when I went back to the apartment she was staying at. The landlord said I needed to take what could but that he was going to trash the rest. The place was dump when I walked in, it smelt like rotten feet, trash and clothes where all thrown every where. It took me by surprise because growing up she was always a neat freak, we might not of lived in the nicest places but she always would make it home.

When I walked into the back room I was expecting it to be set up as her room, it wasn't. It was set up for me. Old posters from high school hung on the walls and clothes that wouldn't fit me now hung in the closet. She never wanted me to leave but I told her I needed to find myself that I would come back. But I didn't, I was gone almost three years I would call her every now and then just not often enough. Always saying she was fine I just took her word for it never picking up on how distant she sounded. This picture was sitting on the night stand beside my old bed. I took it of her when I think I was ten. She had just come home from work and I was sitting waiting for her bored out of my mind. The minute the door opened she smiled at me and I snapped a photo of her. Getting mad she told me never to develop it but I did. She always hated pictures but I never knew why, she was so beautiful. I'm glad I didn't see her when she got into drugs, I'm happy I remember her like she was in the picture I now have resting on my chest as I slowly fall asleep.