A Collection of My Old Poetry

2017

January
For the first time
The new year doesn't feel
Suffocating.
I can close my eyes
And steady my breath
Without anxiety or fear.

I walked down K street this morning
Music playing in my earbuds,
Through my head
And I couldn't stop smiling.
I haven't had that feeling since I was in 3rd grade
They used to ask me
"Why do you always smile?"
Before I stopped

February
It shouldn't be this hard.
It's not my fault.
This was inevitable.
But it was not my fault.
Not a single one of you is innocent
It shouldn't have become my fault.

March
Screw it all to hell.
Here's to drinking
Here's to forgetting
Here's to throwing it all away
So thank you
For showing me your darkness
And bringing out the monster in me.
Thank you for ruining everything I've worked for
Thank you for sending me back to the place that almost killed me.

April
I am an emotional slut.
Show me I smile and I will open my heart.
Look at me with those deceiving eyes
And I will forget all the whispers and murmurs.
Well shame on me, for living blindly
And shame on you for lying and abusing me.
All is said and done,
And I'm still the one who apologized.
But god forbid, I expect more from you.
God forbid, I implode
when you spread your conquest until it stops benefitting you.

May
12 Years later, 120 Months, 624 Weeks.
Over 4,000 Days, and 23,000 Hours, and 6,000,000 Minutes.
And it's over.
The adventures,
The bonfires,
The rallies,
The dances.
3 years given to an empty home
Blood, Sweat, and Tears given and unappreciated.
3 years and 7 months wasted
And 3 spent living life worrying only about laughing.

Summer
June and July,
Heat and Sun.
Sweat and binge watching.
Bland and boring

August
With my person,
Laughing and smiling
Sharing secrets and tears.
And the late night whispers you only tell your better half.
You kept me sane while my life fell to pieces.
Every crazy blonde, needs her crazy brunette.
And my cowboy.
Laughing, and smiling,
New adventures and New Experiences
Hiking and swinging in hammocks.
I took your hand then
And I'd take it again, and again.
Even if I had to wait four more years.

September
"Screw a comfort zone" said the Adventurer.
"But don't be a freak" replied Anxiety.
"You're finally okay, that darkness can't reach you here" Says my Sanity
"Unless, it's they've already made up their mind" Anxiety Chimed.
"You've got this! You just have to take leap of faith" Courage Echos
"It'll be a shame when you fail" Anxiety whispers.
"There is a reason, everyone else left and you are stuck here"
"Hope they don't forget you
"Now what are you going to do, without your audience"
"Look at how happy they're living and how dull you live"
Everyday, it's there in the back of my head.
Everyday, I acknowledge the it
Everyday, when I dissociate, I'm alone with its echo
And Everyday I grow stronger and stronger.
I can do this, alone or not.
I can do this, bruised and beaten
I will do this, with or without your support.
One step, and one day at a time.

October
Remember,
Remember when you needed that safety?
To wrap around you and hold you tight?
Remember when you needed something
To make all the dark moments fade into the past ?
Remember when I echoed the words
"I Don't matter", until my lips chapped?
Out of self pity,
I let the moments I keep to myself drain my heart and soul
Yet, out of naivety
I let the moments I keep to myself seep out
to the people who need not see my shattered heart.

October Pt.2
Weather or not I had been there
Weather or not I had known
That she was sick, or he was afraid
I know somewhere that the outcome was unavoidable.
But my heart breaks
Then heals
Then breaks
Knowing that I'll never get that goodbye
I'll never tell you,
That I'm sorry I quit trying,
That I lost touch.
I am so sorry you died.

November
Here I am again,
Fighting it
Running away
Crying alone
What am I fighting for?

What happened?
It all started out so good.
"For the first time the new year doesn't feel suffocating."
Deja Vu.