You and Everything After

2: 'Twenty-two' (edited)

Chapter's song : Graveyard- Halsey
Dedication: winterjoo

                                        2
                                      Stella
 
When you have extra weight, people refer to you by terms. They glance at you and mutter 'Fat' underneath their breath in disdain like it's the only thing they see. If I am to ask them anything it's this: please be kind.

They'll tell you your foundation looks smudged, but they aren't aware of the hours you spent mixing colors to find the perfect match for your skin tone. They'll make fun of your curved legs, but maybe you've been sweating for hours in the gym. They bully you for smiling, then wonder why you frowned.
We live in a society where there's so much negativity that our backs can't carry anymore.

We live in a society that wants us to blend into a perfect norm so we don't need anyone to say anymore. We don’t need anyone picking faults when we are imperfectly perfect on our own. Maybe they’ll place their head on the pillow and find it in them to sleep while someone is crying and wondering if they might ever fit into their ideals.
 
I walked down the hall, my head dropped down in an attempt to ignore the way they were glancing at me. People's stares have so much intensity but they would never know it, they reflect sharp words dressed as knives that penetrate deep into your soul.
 With my hands wrapped around my midsection, I feel my breath get stuck in my throat. My stomach knotted and I thought I’ll throw up.

When I finally made it to my classroom, I had to stop in my tracks to contain the rising bile in my throat at the sight in front of me, another attempt to make me feel left out. Instead of my usual desk, were three desks pulled next to each other. You don't fit in one desk, is what they’re attempting to say.
Tears pooled in my eyes and I was relieved Logan wasn't here. I didn’t want him to see how fragile their silly moves and stupid games made me feel.
 
"What's going on?" Ash whispered from beside me, her eyes drifting over to my desk in the very far-middle row.
 
"What the hell do you think you're doing you assholes? It's not funny!"
 
"Everyone please take your seats now." Jen, our Math teacher demanded and Ash pulled the two desks away. I gave her a weak smile hoping I’ll be able to hold my tears throughout the session.
 
"Are you guys thrilled about your Junior year?" They all squealed while I glanced at his empty seat and then back through the window at the grass field where he was running. My heart felt so warm and giddy. He looked so beautiful with sun-kissed toned skin and pushed-back black hair. He halted for a second, taking a huge gulp of water before he went back to practicing.
 
“Fat Stella, you think you can help me solve this equation? Oh wait, I forgot that eating everything is your field of interest." Noah, Logan's friend spat. He's always been a bully.
 
"And I forgot that being a douchebag is your field of interest!" Ash deadpanned from beside me and Mason, Logan's sweet friend snickered. He was the calm one with black eyes that matched his raven hair. I would describe him as smart and so kind, the only one who was kind to me.
 
I turned to her with a faint smile just as there was a knock on the classroom door followed by Logan walking in. My heart did a flip in my chest and my stomach knotted. He looked so tall, more than he already is in his training shorts and white sneakers.
 
"Sorry, I'm late. I had morning practice." He smiled a little and I fell for him all over again. His voice was warm and calm, enough to make me feel warm. The way I felt when I looked up across a room and saw him? I couldn't put it into words, but I knew it felt magical.
 
"Coach made me aware, Logan. Make us proud in the tournaments!" He laughed softly under his breath as he made it to his seat on my left. I'm a know-it-all but know no logic at all when it comes to him. How could I ever be simply friends with him when every time I  looked at him I'm thinking about how much more I want?
 
It hurts having him in my life. It hurts not having him at all. When it comes to him, I could never win, so I keep pretending he's not everything I dream of, everything I want but can't have. Right now, we're at arm's length but he would easily slip through my fingertips if I tried to hold his hand. To him, I blend with the pink wallpaper behind my back, and he's warm honey coating my chest walls.
 
From the corner of my eyes, I saw him reach for the cookies I baked which I placed right under his desk. He opened the lid, took one out, and was about to take a bite when it was snatched by Mason.
 
"No!" I shrieked, unintentionally grabbing everyone's attention while Mason coughed repeatedly. The entire class was staring at me. Embarrassed, I buried my face in my palms.
 
"Miss Woods,"
 
Oh no.
 
"Can you please give me the answer to this equation?" Miss Jen demanded in an annoyed tone and I slowly, painfully, removed my hands from around my face and then looked at the board. Turkish would be easier to read. When did we study all that? What are those symbols glaring back at me?
 
 I'll just throw out my favorite number. "The answer is..."
 
"22." I think I heard Logan whisper from beside me. I slowly turned to him but he was staring straight ahead with indifference.
 
“22,” I repeated, fingers crossed.
 
"And…that's...correct!" Our teacher was equally stunned as I was. He saved me. I turned to her then back to him, laughing surprisingly under my breath then dropping my head on the desk and squealing in my seat with my hands over my head.
 
Mason raised a questioning brow at me. I was furious he made my cookie step fail so I narrowed my eyes at him then turned away and wrote 22 on my notebook with tiny hearts all around it. My grin was impossible to hide as I realized something worked that wasn't even planned and for the first time, I got a reaction.
 
                                   ***
I sat on the bleachers, my foot dangling as I took a bite of my oatmeal sandwich while impatiently waiting for a signal from Ash. This step was to pretend I was reading to see if he would notice. I stared every two seconds at the grassy field hoping this step would work when suddenly, he appeared out of nowhere.
Hurriedly, I put my sandwich down, grabbing the book I borrowed from Elijah and placing it right in front of my face.  My phone beeped with a message that I knew was from Ash. Why was she so late?
   He's staring at you. She texted.
 
I smiled in triumph at her message giggling excitedly in my seat. Why didn't I consider that he might love book worms? I kept the book up skimming through the page.
 
What if the guy you love loves you back? A sentence read and I titled my head, my heart skipping a beat. Was that some sort of a sign or did words in deep blue give us hope of something that wasn't there?
 
I peeked a little and frowned when I found him running. I decided to take a bigger step this time. I was behind him by now, barely able to catch my breath. Being fat never helped in activities that required physical strength. He suddenly stopped in his tracks making me bump straight into his back. I winced at the pain feeling him slowly turn around.
 
"Are you okay?" My face warmed and I resisted looking up at him. I was nervous I wouldn't find the spark in his eyes that I knew was evident in mine. However, he stretched out his palm and my gaze gradually ran to it. I took a deep controlling breath then slid my hand through his. I couldn’t breathe.
He helped me up despite my weight making me surprised he didn't groan. I stood up fidgeting my weight from one foot to the other. I wished I could hold his hand for a second longer or two if that was ever possible.
 
"You sure you're okay?" He repeated, a brow raised in concern.
 
"If you stay this close I don't think I will be," I spoke in a daze then closed my eyes in misery realizing I said that out loud. He narrowed his eyes and I think I saw him smile a little he went back to running. Why didn't I find anything to say?
 
"Wait!" I ran alongside him my breath heavy. "I swear you run faster than Michael Philips!"
 
"How do you know who he is?" His eyes lit up in interest as we both ran, my ponytail coming in my face.
 
"Goog-" I stopped myself midways. "I mean... Google is helpful, right? You can google why kids stare at you for a long time. Fun Fact, did you know that when kids stare at you for so long it is only because they find you lovely?"
 He tilted his head to one side. "Really?"
 
"Philips..." Breathing was impossible. "-he won two champions in a row at age 18 only. He's remarkable! He even managed to..." I stopped talking, recognizing he was listening intently to the point where he stopped running. It was unexpectedly tougher to breathe. I placed my hand over my chest. My body felt like it was on fire and his face became blurry.
 
"I- I can't breathe," I sizzled, sliding down on the ground and closing my eyes with my chest heaving. I felt him slide down next to me as he placed his hands around my shoulders in worry. He didn't realize he only made it worse being that close.
 
"Breathe in...breathe out," He instructed and I imitated him staring into his deep brown eyes.
 
"You don't run often, do you?"
 
"I... why? I always run. Early in the morning and before I go to bed." I lied, waving one hand. "It's just that I ate too much, I think. You run and you should know, right?" I babbled, gazing past his shoulder to avoid lying to his eyes.
 
He handed me a bottle of water and then patted my back a little. There were a hundred reasons why I loved him, but being kind topped the list.
 
"Is everything alright over there, Andrews?" Came coach John's strict voice from behind and Logan turned his head back a little.
 
"Stella got a little tired after running.” He told him and they both helped me up with Logan's hand around my waist.
 
"You can go back to practice, Logan. I'll help her to the infirmary." He smiled warily, turning to me and then back to coach. I stared at his back, hoping he would turn back, but he didn't.

What if you gave yourself too much hope thinking he loved you back? What if you were fooling yourself in the process? When do you know when it’s time to quit the chase?

 The one thing I got out of this step was a furrow of his brows in interest and a little smile but it was enough to warm my chest and to leave ting tingles all over my skin.
 Here I go again with his half-smiles, mixed signals, and my overthinking.
 
 
                             ***

End of chapter.
Next chapter teaser:
I may be fat but I don't have insecurities. I don't go around hurting other people. I'm not a bully." I shouted and his jaw worked as he strode towards me. I yelped backing away, my back bumping into someone.

A/N:
Do you believe in the quote Stella read?
Opinions on Logan? Do you think he likes her back?
Please do vote and comment.
So much love, Nadine.