adventures.

secrets.

i think deep down, everyone hates themselves. deep down, they pay attention to how people act around them. they secretly care what people are saying about them behind their backs, or at least their curious to know what they are saying. "are my legs to hairy?" they ask themselves. "are my stretch marks showing?" "does this crop top show the bulge in my stomach?" i don't know, maybe it's just the fact that i'm a teenager who is overly insecure and that seems to be the trend everywhere, but i think everyone hates some part of them self. and maybe it's not just their body, maybe it's their personality? "did that remark make me sound too much like a bitch?" "should i have said something before (s)he did?" "will people stop liking me if i say something like (s)he did?" i think that secretly, around anyone, people are conscious of what they are saying. like yesterday, i was with a couple of my friends and they were people i met last year so i'm pretty comfortable with them, but i felt myself stopping myself from saying a lot of things. i found myself staying silent for the most time since i felt like they would just say i was stupid for thinking whatever i said or that i flat out couldn't understand them. i noticed that i was slowly avoiding them more and more because i felt like whatever i said, they would just turn me down. and maybe that's just me because i'd been looking forward to seeing them for so long but i noticed myself constantly stopping myself from saying things and feeling less comfortable than i thought i'd be. i saw them again with the mindset i would be left out again, and inevitably, i was. i kept on blocking myself from saying what i should've been comfortable with saying and i eventually became so disconnected i went off and made new friends. and i notice that happening with a lot of people around me (i'm not a creep i swear). i  don't know if it's just me that feels this way (probably), but i feel myself stopping myself from doing so many things and saying so many things because i'm scared i'll be labeled as a "dweeb"or a "dork" because lately, i've been hearing a lot of people being given names, and i'm scared that i'm being called those names too, and not in a joking manner. i love my friends, don't get me wrong, i probably love them so much that it's unhealthy, but i feel like less and less of them are still loving me the way i love them. and i feel like that's because i'm being labeled a dork and they hate the dweeb part of themself so they hold back and just cut themselves off. i guess that's what gave me the inspo to write this. sorry for the rant, thank you if you came this far.