Hope in Sydney

Marks

TRIGGER WARNING: if you have had any experience with abuse or are triggered by physical harm, the upcoming chapter contains descriptions of Prim's physical trauma.

Thank you for reading.
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We finally reach home. I finish unpacking everything I got from the food market and head towards my room with O in my arms. I give him a bath and change him.  Still in my arms I sit down and lean against the wall. I feed him and then hold him till he goes to sleep.

I look down at him. His tiny nose and soft chubby cheeks. His tiny hand that holds on to my finger. "You're Safe now. " Tears roll down my face.  I hold him for a while longer before I place him in his bassinet.

I lay out some blankets and create a pillow out of folded clothes. I stand and look around the empty room. "Everything will be okay." I breath. The room has a small clothes cabinet but other wise empty. The house will need many things but I have time. Things will only get better from here.

I look down at O sound asleep. I should take this time to take a shower and fix myself.  I grab a towel and some things  and head towards the bathroom. I turn on the light and place the towel down. I can feel my nerves kicking in. I don't like looking at myself anymore. My body. My body has not been mine for a while now.

I take off my clothes until I'm completely naked. I stand in front of the full-size  mirror and wait. Wait for the courage to look at the body he created.  The body he beat and bruised whenever he had an anger mood swing. The body he took for his pleasure when he felt down. The body he took his emotions on when he was having his breakdowns.

I slowly lift my head up and look at my self. I can feel my eyes sting with tears as I look at the fading and fresh bruises all over my body.  I take a step closer and exam my self. I bring my hand up to my chest and slowly let it slide down my bruised ribs and scars that are on my hip bone. A sob escapes me as I can no longer hold it in. A faded hand print burdens the skin on my thigh and all around my lower body.   The finger prints around my throat are barely there but the ugly purples and greens stubbornly still show.

My body is a lot thinner and fragile looking compared to a couple years ago when it used to be full and curvy. I've lost a lot of weight. Not because of lack of food but because loss of appetite. My hair is long and curly. It's dull and lose compared to its regular full and bouncy curls. My green eyes look down at my wrist where scars of cuts are present.

I shiver at the memories of hopelessness and hate that I felt as I did that. It's had been a couple months since I decided I could no longer do such thing. The pain he caused me was enough, there was no more need for me to be punishing myself for being so weak and Pathetic.

How could I have let this happen? I sob as I crouch down and hug my knees. How could he change so much? How could he have hurt me? 

He wasn't always like that. I remember when he used to be gentle and kind. When we first met he was the best....but the man he became... is the man I now fear. I grew to know more the feel of his knuckles than the warmth of his embrace.

After some time I get up and force myself into the shower. I turn on the water and stand with my back to it. I bite my lip to hold my cry of pain as the water hits my back. The hits from his belt still felt fresh even though he had hit me more than 4 days ago.

I pee and see that blood stains it. I need to go to the doctor. To check myself. Something is wrong, but I will need to wait for my bruises to heal before I set foot anywhere near a hospital or clinic.

I feel a Panic attack coming and start to breath too fast. I feel like I'm choking on my own air. Breath. Slowly... Breath. 1....2................10..... I close my eyes and imagine O. His tiny hands and baby feet. His little toes and how when I blow raspberries on his stomach he laughs.

I can feel my breathing start to become normal once again.  I'm okay. I'm okay.   I open my eyes and look down at my hands. I grab the bar of soap and rub it against my skin and scrub every inch of my body as I pretend that I'm cleansing myself from his touch. From him.

He will never touch me again. He will never see me or hurt me again.

I finish and step out of the shower. I look at myself one last time in the mirror. My eyes are puffy and red. "You need to be strong. If not for you than for Oseias.....Be strong." I give myself one last look before I walk away and wipe my tears.

I change into a t-shit and kiss O goodnight. Then after hours and hours I fall asleep.