Inner Bitch

Chapter Four : Diasterty

I liked our ride to gym.
Short and quiet.
Rob told a few jokes but luckily we arrived when his jokes were still kinda funny.
Huh, if we have a car gym is not that far. Fascinating.

So here we are. Four disharmonious freshmen. I like the name. I'll call ourselves this. If we keep hanging out of course. I don't think this will happen. I stuck with Amanda, for money and room of course, but these guys don't seem like people who would be our friends. I saw situations like this in highschool. Every one wants to hang out with the pretty girl but soon when they find out how stupid and boring she is they leave for good.

And also no one wants to be my friend. Like never.

But things will change. I wrote a bucket list and I'll do all of them. I have to.

- okay, what shall we do in a party?
I ask. Rob looks at me, "Why ask? You never been in a party?"

Why all these stupid shits talk so wrong?, "I'm, no. I was not the party type. It's my first." I decide that telling them how I truly am won't hurt.

You know it was a problem. I never talked. I didn't think it was necessary to talk to others. It's still not necessary but I want to learn.

"What? Did you go to high school AND you never went to party?" Simon asks like I told him I never brush my teeth.

Stupid asshole.

"I told you. I wasn't the type to begin with. Even if I wanted to go -which I'd never wanted- I wouldn't be invited. No one knew me back then." I say and I try to sound normal. I don't want them to misunderstand me and pity me.

People think all the loners are losers. I don't think so. You see, I'm not a loser so there might be other awesome perfect loners out there.

Amanda looks at me with pity just like the way I didn't want her, "You were an outcast?"

She's on the edge. She might cry. God.

"No. I didn't like to be involved with other people. I just didn't want to. There is no particular reason. I'm perfectly normal." I assure her.

Simon hands me a cup of something, "So what's the difference now? Why would you want to be involved with other people?"

I grab the red sippy cup, "I just want to try. It's one of the things on my bucket list."

- bucket list? Did you write one? Why!
Rob asks. He looks worried. I frown, "Why would someone write it? I wrote it for a similar reason like anyone." It's like a to-do list. Right?

Just more urgent.

Three of them stare at me with a weird expression I can't understand, "What's wrong?" I'm starting to get nervous. Did I talk to much?

Simon grab my shoulder and put his pretty face near my average one, "Don't worry Goldie! I'm a party expert. I will guide you."

I try to form a friendly smile but the outcome is something like a desperate sign to ask help from a stranger on a sidewalk when some murderer pointed a gun at your waist and is gently walking you to your home, "Thanks... I guess."

He's weird. Why is he nice to me?

- So! the first lesson is that real parties are not held on the gym. They are in big houses where there is no supervision.

I frown, Again, "So... What's this if it's not a party?"
I point at all the students who talks to each other and drink. It's party. Right?
Simon points at the sippy cup in my hand with his eyebrows, "Drink that."

I drink it. I feel immediate disgust, "What the hell is this?"
Simon smiles, "Something as bitter as alcohol but not alcohol. It means it's not a party. It's a formal meeting for freshmen to get to know each other."

- Dammit! They said it's a party.
I'm angry. I asked God for a ride for this?
I don't even like her.

"How could they deceive you? Especially when you're about to di..." Amanda says and Rob stops her, "I'm sure we can find some party. Right Simon?"

I give my sippy cup back to him, "I don't want to go to a party anymore."

Do you know how anxiety works? I have to prepare myself mentally before doing almost anything. Any unplanned plan can kill me.

- It's okay. We can just get to know other freshmen here and go to a party later.

I frown again, "But I don't want to know others!"
I don't even like them. I don't even like these three. I only like myself.

- Then why did you want to party?
Okay, that's logic. I need to know others to be able to have the perfect night life!

Amanda suggests, "Can't we just know them in classes?"
Rob looks puzzles, "But we don't see most of them. We won't be studying same major."
He's right.

"I also need to find someone to love." I blurt out and I regret immediately. They all look at me like I'm a really sick girl who wants to do some new things before her tragic death.

Simon asks, "So, isn't it better if we go somewhere else? We can't let your party debut to be ruined by a boring gathering."

I blink, "I actually thought it could be a good exercise but yeah, we can leave."
I don't think it's a good exercise but I don't want to admit that I want to leave. This gym gathering really did disappointed me but I don't want to be a party popper. Pooper? Poper?
I don't know.

Rob says with an extremely happy expression. Let me guess, something about food?
I don't want to be one of those judgy bitches but he is chubby and he loves food. Oh I forgot to mention what he said, "let's go to that ice cream place that we found."

Simon corrects him, "You found it. Okay. Let's go."

And we went. This time I say I like front sit and Rob kindly let me sit there. I open the window and enjoy the wind. Simon jokes, "Now your tongue Goldie."

It's not the most clever joke about my name being a dog name but I don't get mad. I feel good.
"Are we friends?" I ask. I actually wanna know. These guys seem nice. I don't like them and I don't hate them that much. It's a good sign.
They're okay. I think I wouldn't regret spending time with them.

Simon says, "Well I guess so. We are ditching a party to get ice cream. If we're not friends then what are we?"
I smile. That's cool.

So this is how having friends feel like.

I don't hate it. Yet.
________
Haha.
Goldie is weird. She's not honest, even in her thoughts.