The slaves of Freetown

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

As soon as he enters his office, my father can no longer restrain his anger. I hasten to close the door behind me.

"I have always wanted to do what is good for you, Kanoa; I only ask you to give me a small delay!"

"I am so sorry, dad, I knew that it was dangerous, but I never thought that it would go this far! All I wanted was to offer us to live as we deserve, like citizens! Instead, I made murderers of us..." I explode, collapsing on his lap.

"Karen came to see me that morning, after vomiting all her guts at the dispensary."

"I am going to turn myself in, Mohamed; I will do whatever it takes because I am going crazy. I feel her near me. She is going to come back until she gets what she wants; she will not leave me."

"I will never endorse what you did. Never, you hear me? But I do not believe for a minute that you deserve what will await you in prison if you come to be brought there... If you even managed to live up to that point. The real culprits in all this are Rachel and Isaac, and I spoke with them. We arranged for Ho-Jin and you a way to leave Freetown as soon as possible. They should have tried to contact you."

"Mohamed, I..."

"Your conscience will never give you the luxury of living in peace again, but you cannot afford to be selfish. Think of Imane and Ho-Jin. Let me take things in hand now. Mr. Salvi will negotiate a trip to Puerto Rico with one of his smugglers..."

"Mr. Salvi?"

"Isaac still makes him believe that his wife is alive. Mr. Salvi offered to escort you in exchange for her release. All this disgusts me too, but we have no choice Kanoa."

I stand up and look him straight in the eye. "You know who I am? You know me well, do you not?"

"Yes, my son."

"Because I am not sure anymore if I am really different from those who bequeathed me this poisonous blood, this murderous blood that runs through my veins."

He takes my left hand, turning the palm toward the ceiling. "You are a slave. A brave slave, the bravest of all indeed, because I know that if it had only been for you, if the consequences had only affected you, you would have surrendered without hesitation, without a shadow of doubt. And also, because you are courageous, you will do what is best for the ones you love, even if it means living in pain. I know how hard you are on yourself on a daily basis; you carry the weight of guilt for crimes you did not commit. I know how the image you have of yourself is disfigured in your mind, how your lack of confidence has always questioned your legitimacy in the face of your enslaved brothers and sisters, but it is you, Kanoa. Far from who your parents were."

He folds his fingers to form half of the infinity symbol, which I complete with my hand. The calm, which I briefly regained this morning, after convincing the Form that I will denounce myself is fading. I plunge into anguish. Confessing could free me from the weight of guilt but would cause my certain death and, in its wake, that of Ho-Jin for sure. And this, this is intolerable to me.

Yet what my father's words promise are the eternal turning of my mind, the fear and the anxiety of the very mechanisms of clandestine migration, in exchange for a false promise of freedom.

Mohamed shows low morale, values at discount because of his love for me, blinding him. I want him to scream, to yell, to struggle, and get angry at me. He is just a man; after all, he has his limits. But this thought scares me more than it disappoints me, because I always assumed that he would be the one who would never trade his believes.

"Since from now on, it can really go wrong at any time; I will need you to know what is really tying me up to the neo-FreeRush movement. I do not know how to tell you this, but... I..."