Melted Heart but Frozen love

1. The regular

The moment I took a swift turn to my right, I saw it all. The anxious beating heart of mine dropped in the void, my face was frozen like a picture. I never got prepared when my theory was true...

It was a regular coldness in the morning, I was awaken by my alarm which was set to ring at 3 AM. The moment I looked at my phone. I was greeted by my wallpaper, which consisted of my close childhood bestfriend, me and ....my girlfriend. I was in a relationship with her for almost 6 months, she was the one I grew interest and the first to say yes to my confession. It wasn't a secret, everyone predicted that we will end up together since we are bestfriends. Snap back to reality, my bestfriend, Do Kyungsoo, replied to one of my posts I recently tagged him, he was the only friend that could turn my bad day into the best memories.

After having my quick breakfast of noodles while watching youtube videos, I checked the time and it was 4 AM. A deep sigh was let out from me and I entered my girlfriend's chat, I sent her texts to wake her up and call her. She didn't answered any of my calls, I wasn't suprised as it was normal. My girlfriend, Kizuko is a healthy beautiful woman and you can say she is well known in my school. However, beauty doesn't mean anything in terms of relationship. We tend to argue alot till the point my heart was broken, my tears flow down like a stream and I was the one to apologized.

Another call and it said unavailable, who knew the person you love can be the one that makes your mood into a neverending blue. I was upset but I cannot show it, or more like my sadness means nothing to her. I let out a sigh and just let it be and started my day.

I'm not close to any other girls and my girlfriend is also my bestfriend. I'm gonna ask you, what would you feel if your girlfriend has a bestfriend which is another boy with high qualities? You will feel like shit, but that wasn't only the case. He had a long history with her and she trusted him the most, even I wasn't fully trusted by her. You could say she has no trust in me but still love me, I wasn't a saint like her bestfriend. I was more of like a bad guy, a crude personality with a rebelious heart but the mind was always thinking and jumping to conclusions. I'm also a hype person who likes to have conversations.

I wasn't jealous that they were close, I only felt loneliness and abandoned. I wouldn't dare to show my needy side to her, begging for attention and love. I only look for those in my friends who care about my wellbeing especially Kyungsoo. Kizuko will always tell me the times and seconds she have with her close male bestfriend, Shawn, during our voice and video calls. I only answered short and lower her audio, I felt hatred hearing it so to lower my anger, I had to do that.

It was almost constant, till the point I closed my wifi to end the call. The call will try to reconnect but will end due to no internet connection. I also thought of her being with him than me, I doubted that I was truly cared. So I started to talk less to her although I wanted to talk about my day, its funny that she is my girlfriend then why I'm like this? Imagine being stabbed in the chest because of something you say is dumb, you would obviously take a step back.

But doesn't that mean, you don't love her no more? I do love her, but I'm human too. I'm a helpless gentleman that tries to change just to suit her taste, resulting in personality disorder and anxiety. I also knew she felt empty like me, she is not bad but more like clueless of love. My friends told me to end the relationship, but I can't end it because of that. I promised her to make her the happiest even if she broke my heart, I'm a man of my words. If I could rewind time, I want to feel certain things twice.