trapped inside yourself

chapter4: him

  Thank god that its already lunch. I know i dont eat but lunch is just such a great break from all these shitty teachers. I love it, but i have to have precaution, if a teacher notices that i dont eat or havent eaten for so many days in a row theyll start to notice. And ask questions. I dont need that right now.

When i begin to walk oit of the building i notice that i am alone. Finally, i can finally have peac-No i cant do this anymore. Fuck. I would rather be anywhere but here. No sadona your not going to cry right now. You know better. You know he doesnt care anymore.  God my thaughts get twisted from relaxation to a painful lump in my throat. I see him again, and i just want to cry. My friend anna soon catches up to me and sees the pain in my eyes.

"Whats wrong?" She asks with the slightest tone.

I cant help it but a single tear falls off my face. And i look at her. My eyes screaming his name. It shouldve been written on my forehead in big letters ' J O S H '

because she already knew that he had passed me for the third time today,  but she looks away from me while i took the sleeve of my jacket to wipe off the tears.

  The rest of the day was in a blur because i had gone in the restroom and taken about 3 pills. I think. I may have taken more, and i may have taken less. I dont know and it doesnt matter. I just wanted to feel numb; to go clear.

When i got home i automatically went to my room and visited my little cooler tucked away in my book shelf. After i had put everythung away and had stopped sneezing, i sat down and began to write; to vent. When i was done i looked at my finished product. God i am pathetic. I thaught as i re-read the letter over and over again adding a new tear drop each time.

"You changed my life.

Honestly you will never understand how much i loved you. You probably dont care anymore but even though it was so long ago, i still miss you. I still think about us.

I guess you were my first real love & i cant get over the fact that i fucked it up. I know im not perfect and neither are you.

But when you told me you loved me no matter what after what had happened. I took it wrong, i took it how i wanted it to be instead of how it really was. I wanted you to mean it. I know youre with someone but, i couldnt help it. I knew better though.

When we wrestled, i thaught of us. When we 'accidently' kissed, i thaught of us. When we sat there drunk out of our minds, i thaught of us. When you held on to me because you couldnt walk, i thaught of us. But when you told me you loved both her and me, i thaught of us, not when we were in love but when i ruined the best thing that had ever happened to me. Because I was selfish. Because i wanted to take my own life over petty things. I thaught that if i had died that night that life would be better for you and my family. So i wouldnt annoy anyone anymore. Or so they wont have to worry about my grades or wheather or not i had done drugs or smoked. Maybe it was because i didnt know how to love myself as much as you loved me.  But that doesnt matter anymore i guess. heavon knows that my eyes tear up everyday when i pass you after luch.

And everyone knows why. They just look at me and say

"Its been a year."

And they walk away.

I just dont understand.

Why cant things be like they used to?

When i asked you that, i meant when we were something. But i got nervous and made up a different reason. And when you said that when people died they were just dead. It hurt me. I couldve been 'just dead'  . If i had died i wouldntve mattered anymore?

i dont know. I guess i let my mind wonder too far tonight. And im sorry i just wanted to say i broke another promise, im feeling numb & im about to do it again."

I read it aloud one last time. I just didnt know what to do with it or to it or anything at all. I'm not sure if I had even written it. I was cleared. I was numb.