Feelings

XI

"move on." they said to me,
but the thing is,
it's not that i don't want to,
i do want to.
but it's not as easy as people make it seems.

i used to woke up early in the morning,
because i'm excited that there'll be a message coming from you,
i still remember our call at 4 in the morning,
i still remember what we were talking about when we were on call that day,
i still remember.
i know that you don't anymore,
but i still do.

do you want to know what was the thing that used to excite me every time i went home from school?
you.
yeah, you.
because i can't wait to talk to you about my day,
i can't wait to be all affectionate to you,
i can't wait for mostly everything about you.
you said to me that i'm blinded by your love,
'no' i said to you,
because i didn't realize it, yet.
until the day you said goodbye to me,
i don't know why,
but everything hits me.

i was so full of emotions that day.
i was sad.
but mostly i'm mad at you.
but i can't stay mad at you.
because i love you.
when u said goodbye,
i didn't say it back,
because i'm not good at saying goodbye to the people i love.
especially you.
i'm really bad at letting people go.
i've never felt so deeply in love with someone as much as i do with you.
i don't know why should it be you that i fell for?
but the saddest part of our story is that,
we have never been real.

i realize things when it is too late.
i realize that the person i love wasn't you,
but the one that i created inside my head.
i remember telling you that i have 3 imagination friends in total,
one is someone who's just like my ex bestfriend,
second is someone who's just like my idol,
third is someone who's just like me.
i guess,
i could include you as the fourth one.
because none of this friends that i created in my head are real,
so are you.