We lock eyes at a party
I know he’s just a dumb frat boy
But the way he tinted my cheeks was even dumber
He teases me as usual
Every insult a lame attempt at flirting
Or at least I thought
Until he wanted to know about my friend
If he had a chance with her
And in that moment, I remember
Who I am
What I’ve done
Why I could never deserve this boy’s attention
I had hurt those I loved before
Drove them out of my life
I wrecked her
The woman I was meant to love
It didn’t matter that she had been there through it all
Scraped knees from another recess by myself
Locks of hair strewn across the desk when I decided my bangs needed a trim
When she needed me
I let fear and selfish tendencies control me
Dealing with an alcoholic seemed too difficult
So I turned my back
Started resenting her for each mistake
Even though I wasn’t perfect either
She made that clear every time I pulled away
Screamed how I was a terrible daughter
But I didn’t need to hear her say it
For me to know
Yet her voice still ripples through my memory
At times like this
A built-in alarm
To never let me forget that I was unworthy of love
I guess guilt is like a pitcher plant
It eats you alive
Swallows you whole and traps you
Starving you of a sane perception of reality
Until there’s nothing left to sustain you
No hope or happiness in sight
Yet you don’t fly away from it
You let it draw you in
Tell you that you brought this on yourself
As if you crave the destruction
Your self-loathing cackling loud enough to echo off your bones
Permeating through your survival instincts
Shutting them down
Taking your mind hostage
And convincing it to seek pain
But I suppose I don’t really mind much now
I’m used to disproving my breaking point
Pushing further past it each time
Watching my life crumble
In awe of how many toxic choices one person could make
I wait in hopes that my own poison
Will someday relieve me of this guilt
Even if that means killing the host
