Double Agent |Kylo Ren|

14 - "If You Won't Fall, I Won't."

            I have both sabers ignited, and I'm on the charge, death to the general on the brain.

I get so close to murdering Hux.

Snoke does not stop me, but rather, it's Ben. He gives a Force-push, sending me sideways. As I get to my feet, he stands in front of Hux, almost protecting the bastard. My nostrils flare angrily. I want to dismember General Hux. He must be responsible for Cayden's fatal punishment.

I must be the one to punish him for this.

"Stand down," Ben shouts at me.

"Stand aside," I retort to him.

"It seems she wants another taste," Hux comments from behind Ben.

I scream in outrage, using the Force to fling the two in opposite directions. The hologram of Snoke watches on in curiosity, like he's studying a new experiment. I rush for Hux while I still have the opportunity. He whips out a blaster, shooting off bolts at me. His aim sucks, and when he gets close, I parry the bolts.

My foot connects with Hux's chest, and I send him sliding along the slick floor. Like a predator, I stalk to my prey, sabers out and ready to end the general's life. Red tints my vision. He must die for this.

Just as I take my leap, ready to drive both sabers through Hux, I'm tackled from above. As I get sandwiched between the floor and a body above me, my sabers get thrown from my hands, shutting off in the process. The body quickly climbs off me, restraining me by my arms.

"Let go!" I thunder, my voice dangerously loud. I thrash out.

"Amara," is Ben's rather cool tone in my ear. He puts a gloved hand against the side of my head.

"Let me finish him, you want to end him too," I pant, feeling my adrenaline fuse with my outrage. "If you won't do it, allow me. Besides, I doubt anyone in the First Order will miss him."

"We would have to replace him," Snoke says sharply. "And we are not doing that anytime soon. Take her out, Lord Ren. NOW."

Ben puts all his strength into tugging me further from Hux and out of the room. The further I get from Hux, the more pissed I become with Ben.

Once the door shuts to the door, Ben flings me against the wall, pinning me. "What in the hell was that?!"

I push against his chest. "Let me go!"

"Stop acting like a child!"

"He made me murder my best friend!"

Ben covers my mouth with his gloved hand. "Shh! Say it louder, I don't believe the whole base heard you!"

I choke on my words, the hot tears finally giving way. All the fight has now morphed into tears and sobbing. My body is depleted of energy, and I feel like I want to curl into a ball on the floor and cry.

"Let's get you back to your quarters, then you can speak freely. Wipe your face."

With a stormy cloud following us, Ben escorts me back to my quarters. He releases me once the door opens.

"Why did you hold me back?" I hiss lowly.

"You know why I had to, Amara."

"I...I killed Cayden." I run a hand through my hair. "Oh god, Snoke made me murder my best friend. To prove fake loyalty to him, to the First Order!" I fall back to sit on my cot, hands dangling over my knees. "I didn't want it to be this messy."

"The first kill is the hardest."

"You're...Don't tell me you're being serious about this right now, Ben. Please. Nobody's watching us. Cut your First Order off for just a while. You can't...you can't be against me, too. Don't justify this."

"Then what do you want me to say? That you shouldn't have bothered in the first place? I can't exactly make this better for you, Amara! Now you understand my struggle."

"Did Snoke make you kill someone you care about?" I sniffle. "Our fellow Academy students...did they count?"

"He...he didn't make me kill them, I...I chose that."

"H-he must know, Ben. If he doesn't, Hux must. Hux must've suggested the idea to Snoke. I'm going to kill—"

"Amara, you can't go after Hux. You can't hurt him."

"Do you hear yourself?"

"Do you?" he pushes back at me. "What you're talking about is revenge. Jedi do not deal in revenge. You are forgetting what we are fighting for."

"Are we really Jedi at this point, Ben, when the Academy is nothing but ash?" I ask hopelessly. "And, really, you must remind me what I'm fighting for, because right now, all I want to do is spill Hux's blood on the floor."

"You wanted to help me get out of here. You wanted to bring me back to the person that I once was." Ben kneels before me. "You can't do that if you aren't the person that I know you to be. We need to be on the same page, Amara. Right now, we aren't."

"B-becoming a killer isn't what I signed up for."

"In a way, it is. What do you think happens to prisoners of the First Order? We don't offer them employment. We don't let them walk free. What do you think happens to all that oppose them?"

I pick up on the one word: "them". He spits the word out like it's a bad taste in his mouth.

"If Snoke or Hux, or both of them have figured out the truth about you, this is what they are doing to manipulate you," Ben tells me gently. "They are steering you towards the dark path that I once walked. You are not tempted with power, but revenge. They are equally powerful motivators. They give out strong calls that are difficult to resist."

"How could you have listened to Snoke, Ben? How could you have believed his words? Joining an organization that finds peace through bloodshed? Earning peoples' respect by making them fear you? When did you stop being the Jedi that I knew?"

"I can't be associated with that word anymore, because even if this works out for us, I can't...I can't go back to being one. I will never be one. I am not a Jedi."

"You're not Snoke's puppet, either." I wipe my face. "A-and you're right: what they made me do...they're distracting me, indirectly pushing me towards what they want me to be. They want to break me into submission. We...we can't let them win."

"We won't, but you need to work with me. You need to let me help you."

"If you won't fall, I won't." I sniff. He presses his forehead against mine, and I thread my fingers through his thick curls. "You're on my side."

"I'm on your side."

I exhale. "Okay."

"Amara."

"Yes?"

"Swear to me you won't go after Hux."

"Ben—"

"If you pursue it, revenge may consume you. It will turn you into something you will regret. Swear it, Amara."

I swallow. "I swear it. But if Hux comes after me, I need to be allowed to defend myself." A reminder ticks in my brain. "Since I don't trust myself out of my quarters, could you, um, retrieve my sabers? We never collected them after you removed me from the room."

"I'll make sure to get them back to you."

"Thank you."