Becoming Determinant - Tobias' Story

Divergent Chapter 25 - Four's Fear Landscape

A/N: Sorry this post is a couple of days late - thank you all for your patience, and for your kind reviews from the last chapter! Thank you also to my wonderful beta reader, Rosalie, who fought a difficult work schedule and a last-minute power failure to get this chapter reviewed.

"Divergent" Chapter 25 – Four's Fear Landscape

I spend the rest of the day wandering the Dauntless compound, lost in thought. Planning out the rest of initiation. Debating whether any of the others are likely to do what Al did and what I can do to stop them. Thinking about what Zeke saw and if there's any way to help him deal with it. And mostly, daydreaming about Tris.

After her statement today, I feel like there's less danger of Will or Uriah snatching her up before the end of initiation, and I know that means I should wait to tell her how I feel. But I can't help thinking about it anyway. And with that, I spend hours contemplating all the ways we could hide a relationship and how I would handle the rest of training if that were to occur.

It's certainly not the first time I've thought about that subject. It's been creeping into my thoughts in between fear simulations all week, but it feels different today. Like I'm ready to take action – I just need to figure out how.

Unfortunately, that part is difficult. I've never had a conversation like that before – with anyone, let alone with an initiate I'm training – and it makes me far more nervous than I care to admit. Besides, there's more than just nerves involved; there's also a question of fairness. I can't tell Tris during initiation unless I know she returns my feelings. Otherwise, I could end up pressuring her into something she doesn't want, and I refuse to do that to her.

But I can take the first step now. I can tell her who I really am – where I came from, what my name is, and why I transferred here. None of that is easy to relay, but I have to do it up front. Tris has to know all of that, and I have to see her reaction to it, before we could possibly start a relationship.

So, I walk the streets around our headquarters, trying to plan out how to get Tris away from her friends and begin a conversation like that. It seems like an impossible task. But the longer my feet pound the pavement, the more an idea works its slow way into my consciousness. At first, I reject it, feeling that it would make me look weak, like the scared little boy I know is still deep inside me. But it keeps returning, and the more it does, the more I become convinced it's what I need to do.

By the time I head to dinner, I know it's right. I have no idea how I'll manage to actually do it, but one way or another, I need to show Tris my fear landscape.

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Zeke doesn't show up for dinner, and it's obvious that Shauna is worried about him.

"He said he's not hungry," she mutters, shaking her head a little, and I know why. I can't remember a time when Zeke didn't want to eat.

"It's that damned initiate. I know it is," she adds bitterly, glaring at me like it's my fault. "Zeke says he's okay, but you can see it in his eyes…. He's wondering if he could have done something different and stopped it."

I nod, understanding how he feels – and for that matter, how Shauna feels. She isn't entirely wrong to blame me.

She sighs deeply, staring at her plate as she pushes food around with her fork. "I'm thinking of taking him zip-lining. Maybe it will help him clear his mind." The suggestion makes me stiffen and sends a wave of nausea through my stomach, but I don't say anything. If this is what Zeke needs, I'll find a way to handle it. He's been too good a friend to deserve less.