Love and Loss

Chapter 6: The First and Only Time

As I once again continued to walk alongside the empty street, I think about what memory I should come across next. 

I allow many different images to take hold of my mind.

Images of him smiling, laughing, talking, everything.

After that conversation we had, we started to have an affair with each other.

I understood his situation, and he didn't want to hurt George, but I didn't want to hurt Paul either. I didn't know if I should have been feeling guilty or not.

Neither of them knew that Ringo and I had feelings for each other.

They still didn't know, and that makes me shudder. I have kept this secret from them for decades. Will I have to tell them soon?

It was then that a specific image came into my mind.

I was on Ringo's bed, looking up at the older man who was towering over me.

His sweater, along with mine, laid forgotten on the floor. I had my hands wrapped around him as he connected his lips to mine.

We both blushed heavily.

After we pulled apart, he asked me a question.

"D-do you want to, um, want to do it this t-time?" He asked me.

I told the truth.

"Yes," I said, "But, just g-go slow, okay?" 

He nodded. 

I sigh heavily, remembering what happened next. I close my eyes for a moment, skipping those parts.

However, some things made themselves clear in my mind.

The first thing I remembered was the pain. I had tried to suppress the moans that threatened to escape me, but they still came through any way.

He held me passionately as he slowly moved. Soon, the pain gave in to pleasure. When that made itself known, I didn't even try to hold anything back.

He moaned as well, but not as loud as I did. I did keep them at a consistent volume so that Paul and George couldn't hear.

So, this is how Paul feels every time we do it, I remember thinking.

Eventually, I felt something warm release within me. I knew what it was, and that knowledge made me do the same as well.

He pulled out of me, a white substance leaking out of me in the process. His stomach had splotches of white on them and I blushed even more upon seeing it.

"That was..." I panted," great."

I was tired. It had been the first time that someone had ever...

He smiled at me softly.

"Thanks. I-it was good for me too," he said. His body was slick with sweat, along with mine. 

He laid down next to me, and I snuggled up against him.

"John?"

"Ya?"

"What are we goin' to do?" That question caught me off guard.

"Do? Do about what?" He looked at me, a worried expression on his face.

"About this... We can't keep this a secret forever, unless if..."

"I'll never leave ya Ringo, you know that I love ya too."

"I k-know, but I'm scared. I don't want to tell George, he'll be heartbroken and angry at me. Paul... how would he react?" 

"Well, he'll probably have a calmer reaction than George..." 

"John?"

I looked at him.

"Ya?"

"Can you tell him? And when ya do, can you make it clear that I meant no harm?"

I thought about it for a moment.

Ringo didn't mean any harm. He never did. But...

I was scared. Scared of how Paul would react. Probably not as much as Ringo was, but still...

I put a smile on my face.

"I will, Ringo, I promise," I lied.

Those words...

I clenched my teeth.

That night was the only time we had ever went that far, and to lie to him afterwards...

I feared that this guilt would come, but I knew that I deserved it.

We had only been in a relationship for a year. The secret had to come out sooner or later, and my attempt to hide it...

I had set the both of us up for a massive downfall. 

If only I hadn't been so scared, I would not be out here tonight.

He was much more scared than I was, so what's my excuse?  

This was all my fault. And now, after decades of hiding myself from reality, I have chosen to face it.

I look at my clothing once again.

This was the thing that made me get the idea to do this. 

I knew that it was already too late to do this, but I could at least do it anyways.

I stared forwards, encouraged by this memory to continue my journey.

After all, I was nearing my destination.