Alhamdulilah Series by Dr Azim

02/08/2019: Of Time and Reason

Salaam Jumaat,

I couldnt sleep on the Eve of Aidilfitri 2017. I calmed myself thinking about my most recent trip to Medina. To know about that, I would have to tell about the year I had.

I graduated in July 2016. After graduating, we need to send in our high school diploma and medical degree to the Suruhanjaya Perkhidmatan Awam (SPA) or the Public Service Commission, the Malaysia Medical Council (MMC), and Kementrian Kesihatan Malaysia (KKM) or the Malaysian Health Ministry, then we wait our call by the Health Ministry to enter the difficult Housemanship (HO) or internship program in the government hospital for 2 years. During that time, the waiting period was 4-8 months.

As soon as I got back from Russia, I submitted all the required documents as earliest I could. I called up the SPA to check my application status, it was all good. I just had to wait for my call. Alhamdulilah. All looked good. I had at least 4 months of holiday. I was about to enjoy my sabbatical. 6 years of medical school in Mother Russia was a tough journey. And cold. Damn, it was cold. I was excited. In July 2016, I had my Malaysian convocation where a lot of my relatives from my late dads side came from Ipoh. Even though my dad wasnt there, it was nice to have his family there. Then the next three months, I spent a lot of time with my mom, my late nenek who was staying with us, my 3 years old niece, my girlfriend during the time, and some old friends. In December 2017, a few of my friends from my batch received their letter and call. During that time, I was busy preparing my umrah trip with my mom, my brother and his wife. I was excited for that trip to be performing umrah and at the same time to visit my late dads grave at Mecca. We were going to do umrah on New Years Eve. A lot of my friends did not got the call in December, so I wasnt that worried. So, I just called SPA to check my status.

When I called SPA that time, I was informed that the government had released a new law stating that every government worker needs a pass in Bahasa Melayu for their Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia (SPM). SPM is a national standardised exam taken by all Malaysians in the government school at the age of 17. I went to an international school, however I got an A for my O Level Bahasa Melayu. Prior to this law, the O level Bahasa Melayu was equivalent to the SPM Bahasa Melayu. My medical education was sponsored by the Majlis Amanah Rakyat (MARA). I was informed that I had to sit for SPM, wait for the result, reapply to SPA, then waited again for my call. It would be at least another 1 year of waiting. I was devastated.

Before flying off to umrah, I went back and forth from Kuala Lumpur to Putrajaya to appeal, daily. I met representatives from SPA, Jabatan Perkhidmatan Awam (JPA) or Public Service Department, KKM, MARA and more. None gave me positive response. Plus, it was the end of the year, so everyone was in holiday mood. I went to Medina with a heavy heart and my future uncertain.

We arrived in Medina around 4am. After checking in the hotel, we went straight to the Masjid an-Nabawi to catch our fajr prayer. Masjid An-Nabawi. This was my favorite mosque. For me, it even top the Masjid Al Haram. The serenity of its architecture appealed to me profoundly. This was my third time here. Before my mother and sister-in-law went to the female section, we all agreed to meet at Gate 51 after the prayers. Somehow, I lost my brother in the mass before the prayer started. No worries, Ill find my way back. This is my third time here, its your second home, I said to myself. After the prayers, I went to Gate 51, however it wasnt the same one. So, I decided to round the mosque to look for my family. I saw another Gate 51, but still it wasnt the same one. I rounded Masjid an-Nabawi for an hour and half, then I realized: Im lost. Not only lost in this mosque, but also lost in life. Lost as a Muslim. I havent been grateful at all. I always had this habit of blaming God whenever a bad thing happened. As if God hated me and was punishing me. I failed to see that all of this was a test. God was testing me. Everything that happened to me, was all for a reason. God never left me. I realized that not everyone had the chance to be on this holy land. Even some of my rich friends had never been here. They wanted to, who doesnt? The timing wouldnt be right or they had other responsibilities. To be here, was like an invitation from God. I eventually found my way back to the hotel and started to find my way back to God. It doesnt mean it would be a straight path from there.

ٱهْدِنَا ٱلصِّرَٰطَ ٱلْمُسْتَقِيمَ

guide us to the straight path

- Verse 6, Al Fatihah

We prayed for this 17 times a day, but will we ever be on the straight path? We would make mistakes. We are weak beings and we need the help of God to get back on the right path. We need to keep on trying and have faith. Faith, that one day, we will die as a good human being. One thing is certain is that we all die. Die as a good human being? Well, thats a choice. A choice that we need to make every day. Insyaallah, we will achieve that.

Then, I was back in my bed, on the Eve of Aidilfiltri 2017. Still unemployed. Girlfriend left. Still no answer from the authority of my future. Friends, relatives, and neighbours were getting suspicious. Haih. I thought of going back to Ipoh the next day, seeing my relatives from my lates dad side, and seeing their concerned faces that I havent been called up yet, worried me. Unemployed for 11 months wasnt common. They were so happy and proud during my convocation. The first doctor in the family. I was happy that I made them proud. But now, I felt like a failure. Despite all this, I tried to find a reason behind it because, now I know, everything happened for a reason. I was talking to one of my friends who just started his HO last month. He was quite bummed out that he only had a day off for Eid and seeing he was working out of state, he wouldnt be able to celebrate with his family. However, for me, I would not only be getting to celebrate it with my mom, but I gotten a whole Ramadan with her. After 6 years of performing the fasting during Ramdan in Russia and 3 years my mom fasted alone during Ramadan, this was pretty big. If I had started working already, I wouldnt have this.

When I first heard of the bad news of me not being able to work with my friends, I couldnt find the reason. Now, I do. Patience.

Alhamdulilah.