Crash Into Me | ✓

thirty-three

It had been raining all day. Water poured off the broken gutters on the side of my house, and even though I was under the porch, droplets still plopped onto to my arms and head. Ella stood in front of me, rocking back and forth on her heels. She wore no makeup, her face pale and her eyes tired. She must have noticed the distain on my face, because she huffed out a breath and looked down. Thunder rumbled the porch.

            "I promise I'm just here to give you your bag." She gestured down to my tatty suitcase. "And to get Brooklyn's car."

            Over her shoulder, Ricky waited in Ella's white coup. He kept his head down.

"Thank you," I muttered, dropping the keys in Ella's hand. I was about to go back inside when Ella stopped me.

"Wait." She put her hand on my arm. I turned to face her, crossing my arms over my chest. I didn't know if I should feel angry or sad or some combination of both, but I just knew I felt lost.

"I just want to say how sorry I am about everything," she said softly, jamming her hands in the front pocket of her hoodie. "I really should have told you. I know you're angry, and I'll take full responsibility for it. You should have never had to see what happened the other night." She paused and let out a sharp exhale. "I don't want you to think that he didn't love you. He did. He does."

I wanted to not care. I wanted to just rip Brooklyn out of my system, hard and fast like a band-aid. But I couldn't help myself. I had to ask.

"Where is he?"

Ella shook her head. "I can't tell you. He didn't want me to. But..." she produced an envelope from the pocket of her sweatshirt. "He wanted me to give you this."

I quickly took the envelope from her, trying to hide my trembling hands.

            "I'll let you go. Goodbye." Ella turned and walked back to her car, handing the keys to the Jeep to Ricky. I stood on my porch and watched them drive away, realizing that was probably the last time I'd ever see them.

            I darted back up to my room and shut the door behind me, clutching the envelope to my chest. Without even letting myself have second thoughts, I ripped it open, took a deep breath, and read it.

Nat -

I don't even know where to begin, but I'll start with I'm sorry, even though I know I won't be able to say it enough. I'm sorry for lying to you, and for putting you in a situation you never should have been in. I'm sorry for letting you down. I'm sorry for not telling you how I felt about you when I should have. I'm sorry for so many things but I don't have the space to write them all. Most importantly, I'm sorry that I couldn't be everything you deserve, because you deserve the world. You deserve the world and the moon and the stars and everything in between. You were the peace that I craved in my fucked up life, and like a true addict, I became completely addicted to you and the way you made me feel. You made me feel invincible. But it was selfish of me to hold onto you when I knew I was doing all the wrong things. The time I spent with you will never have been enough for me, but you're enough. You're more than enough. You're everything.

Love, Brooklyn

I didn't know how long I sat on the floor of my bedroom, running my fingers over the black ink of Brooklyn's scratchy handwriting. I grabbed my phone, my thumb hovering over my favorites list in my contacts for a few moments before shakily hitting Brooklyn's number. It only rang once before the chirpy automated message came through.

"I'm sorry, this number has been disconnected or is no longer in service. Please try-"

I hung up the phone and threw it onto my bed. My head pounded from the dizzying array of emotions that suffocated me. Tears that had been begging to come out spilled down my cheeks, staining my pillow. My head ached and throbbed as hysterics overtook me. I cried until I had no more tears left. Eventually I stopped, and my chest heaved as I tried to catch my breath. I laid in my bed quietly for what felt like hours, until the darkness of the night crept through my bedroom window. It was still raining.