𝑟𝑒𝑓𝑙𝑒𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 • 𝑘𝑛𝑗

three

"did you believe it?"

"believe what?"

"my scandal? with heejin."

"i-i don't know... i don't know enough."

"what do you want to know then? ask me - ask me anything."

she looks up at him, and the sparks that glimmered in his eyes a few minutes ago had dissipated into a plain, empty, nothing.

"rayeon."

"i don't want to know anything. just let me go home, please."

namjoon opens his mouth to speak, but the only thing that comes out is a sigh. a sigh of relief or disappointment - he didn't know. namjoon wanted to talk to her about this and clear things up, but at the same time he was scared.

"fine. you can go, but let me say something - i cared about you, and i still do. so fucking much. i don't know why you believed them over me."

"you probably do namjoon, but it's not enough."

"what?" rayeon sighs. this has got to come out one day, so it might as well be today.

"no matter how much someone says they love you and how much they care, it's never enough. there will always be thing sickening feeling that tells you - tells me - that in the end no one cares, that i don't deserve it, that i'm all alone. one day someone tells you that you mean the world to them and the next they don't even want to look at you. i try so hard to convince myself that people do love me and that i do deserve to be cared for, and one day it works - i'm happy - but it all breaks away again, and it leaves me hating myself over something that wasn't even my fault."

"ra-"

she sets down the cold cup of coffee and lifts her body from the cold leather sofa, a little harsher and louder than expected. grabbing her clothes, she stuffs them into her bag, not caring whether or not they were wet. all she wants to do right now is go home and do nothing. think about nothing, talk about nothing and do nothing.

"i'll see you at work tomorrow." namjoon calls out in a monotonous voice.

"alright. see you." she didn't mean to shut the door on the way out, but it did help block out some of the screams and fights happening in her body right now. she wanted to go inside and talk to namjoon about it, but she couldn't. not after what he did.

•••

rayeon opens the door to her house and steps in slowly, hoping yeejin wasn't home. she didn't want anyone to see the tears rushing down her face.

"rayeon?" fuck. "why are you home so late? it's eleven-" her words come to an abrupt stop as soona s she looks at her in the eye. immediately walking over, yeejin takes the bag out of her hands and sets it on the floor next to them. she takes a hold of her hand and leads her to to the sofa situated in the living room.

yeejin didn't live here - well she didn't live here everyday. since they both went to the same university, the both knew that rayeon's house was closer to the campus, so during the weekdays she would stay over and go back home on the weekend.

"what's wrong?"

rayeon doesn't reply. instead, she stares at the cup of tea yeejin has just placed in her hands. she stares at how the liquid swirled inside it, the steam coming from the surface and how it slowly made its way to her face, gently-

"rayeon?"

"i'm fine, it's really stupid anyway. i have uni work tomorrow so i'm going to bed." she blatantly replies, instantly feeling guilty of her tone and how it could easily come off as rude. i just can't get enough can i, she thought, always disappointing people and letting the guilt break me.

yeejin takes a long look at her face, and decides that it would be best not to ask her again. she understands that talking right now is only going to break her more. "alright, fine. but we're not finished. we're talking tomorrow."

"okay." yeejin pulls her off the sofa with her hands and hugged her tightly, not saying a word. rayeon prefers that.

she lets go of the hug and walked to her room slowly, dropping her body onto the bed when she gets there and not giving a care in the world about what she was wearing. they were namjoon's clothes anyway, so they were comfortable.

namjoon.

the tears from earlier had already dried up, leaving a dry sensation on the tips of her cheeks - but this was easily overcome by the fresh streams that were now making their way down.

she sobs to herself quietly, covering her face with her trembling hands. she didn't want anything or anyone to see her like this. rayeon was never someone who cried easily in front of others - she tried to hide it. it's bad, she knows. it's a little self-destructive, she knows that, too, but she couldn't help it. the thought of having someone worry about her, out their things aside and go out of their way made her stomach bubble and body ache with guilt. she didn't want to be a burden. she'd rather her shoulders break than cause strain to someone else's.