𝑟𝑒𝑓𝑙𝑒𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 • 𝑘𝑛𝑗

four

the morning sun beamed through her windows, curtains already moved out of the way - they were never shut.

she never slept, either. the guilt and anger that was bubbling inside of her ever since she left namjoon's house had dissipated, although now she felt nothing, which was worse.

rayeon finds herself in the mirror and scoffs at her appearance. not the bags under her eyes; not the messy, tangled and knotty hair. the thing that bothered her the most was what she was wearing.

anger. she felt it again. knowing that she let her past affect her in such a way made her want to scream at herself; at the scared and paranoid woman that she was a year ago.

running a hand through her knots, she makes her way to the bathroom. hoping it would wake her up, rayeon splashed a handful of cold water onto her face, breathing heavily and blinking rapidly when she could finally open her eyes again. the technique didn't work, so instead she stripped off her (namjoon's) clothes and stepped into the shower, hand twisting the knob and tightening its grip on it as the water made contact with her body. she shivered at the feeling, feeling the cold water nip at every part of her, but she stood still until it was no longer cold.

maybe her body was used to it by now, or maybe it's just numb.

hesitantly, rayeon grabs the shampoo bottle, knowing very well that the may get a cold after this, but she didn't care. she massaged her scalp in a hurry, washing it away and flinching because it felt different there. it was freezing, but not necessarily the bad kind.

she was definitely more awake now.

grabbing onto the edge of the shower cubicle for support, rayeon puts one leg out to reach the towel sitting on the bathroom counter and immediately wraps it around her body, hugging it as close as she could.

she grabs the first things she could find in her wardrobe, keeping in mind that she had both a lecture today and she had a meeting at work.

*

rayeon steps into the kitchen, dressed in a black turtleneck tucked into a pair of beige and brown checkered trousers, a black coat hanging loose from her arm.

grabbing a sticky note and pen, she writes yeejin a note, knowing she won't read it until late afternoon.

with a banana and house keys in her hand, she makes her way out of the house and the wind bites at her nose.

should've put the coat on before leaving rayeon thinks to herself as she puts down her purse, shoulders instantly relaxing.

*

she makes her way through the office doors, and was met with a whiff of coffee and a side of smiles. it was a struggle to even nod back, the anger had never left and it was now raging at her actions of taking it out in others.

her meeting started in a couple of hours, and her lecture was straight after. rayeon decided that she'd get as much work out of the way as she could so that it wasn't too much in the afternoon; maybe she'd even get to leave early.

putting aside her feelings towards having to see namjoon this early in the morning, she walks over to his office and knocks at his door, waiting patiently to be let in.

"come in." rayeon raised her eyebrow. maybe she wasn't the only one who didn't sleep last night.

she pushes the todd doors and makes her way inside, constantly looking down.

"oh - rayeon. you're here in the morning?"

"i wanted to ask if there's anything important that needed to be done. i have a lecture after the meeting and will probably not be as energetic."

rayeon's breath hitched when namjoon finally looked up at her, and she watched closely as he pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose to secure them. "well firstly, lectures shouldn't be an excuse - you're not the only one, " she furrowed her eyebrows for a split second, but let him continue "and secondly, there isn't anything urgent today. you can just prepare for the meeting."

"i don't know what the meeting's about." rayeon snapped, instantly regretting it as namjoon sighs deeply.

"it's not exactly a meeting, really. we have a speaker coming in claiming he has images that can support our planet sightings... hope he isn't going to waste our fucking time." namjoon rubs his forehead, something he did when he was annoyed or stressed. you don't have to be an ex of his to know he's experiencing both right now.

"how should i prepare for that?"

"just think of some questions to ask him. five will be enough."

"alright."

"the meeting isn't in the usual room today because that's already been booked out so i'll take you to the new room-"

"you can just tell me, i'll find my way."

"let me finish. i'll take you to the new room since i have the keys and you don't. you'll also need the login information."

as he stands from his seat, rayeon has to tilt her head up a little, and that's when she notices how messy and untidy he looked. he definitely didn't get any sleep last night. it's too late to mention it to him since he's already reached the door to his office and is now waiting for her impatiently.

*

rayeon sits down on one of the chairs around the rectangular conference table, placing one of the laptops provided in front of her.

"what's the login information?" she asked, fingers ready to type, but what she didn't expect was a pair of hands to gently place themselves on top of hers, the cold metal of his rings leaving invisible marks on the areas they touched. the familiar touch felt almost weightless yet she felt as though she couldn't move.

rayeon moves her hands downwards slightly, still on the keypad but namjoon now had a more comfortable way of tying.

"i'll email you the details when i'm free today but just ask me whenever you need them for now."

she heard every word he said, but she didn't process anything. she couldn't.

namjoon was still typing away, and she could do nothing but stare at the keypad underneath, and every time his palm would come into contact with the tips of her fingers, both softly and rough at the same time, she'd feel her heart beat faster.

not only did her stomach swarm with butterflies, a million thoughts flooded her mind, though she only grabbed onto one in particular.