I'm meeting with Eli in a few hours. I told him that I wanted to tell him something. We have gotten to know each other really well. He told me about Sophia, and it makes me feel like maybe he'll hate me when I tell him about me.
Oh well, might as well rip off the bandaid.
• • • •
I arrived at the park a few minutes ago. I wanted to meet at a serene place to hopefully give some peace to the situation.
I'm so scared.
I sat on the bench in front of this small pond. The fountain in the middle was so simple, yet beautiful. The water's surface covered in tiny ripples as water hit water calmed me down a little. It's warming up outside, and I feel that it's a reflection of me. Being "cold" for so long, I am starting to feel things. I'm not numb anymore. With the emotions, though, I get some negative feelings, but when you stop being numb, you'll still get pins and needles before it gets better.
It gives me hope that maybe it really will get better.
"Hey," I suddenly hear behind me and I jump. Turning around, I'm relieved to see that it's Eli. My face automatically morphs into a slight smile.
"You scared me!" I said.
"It's better than no reaction at all, Rose," he replied, "So, whatcha wanna talk about?"
"Um, have a seat," I said, becoming nervous again. He sat down and looked at me with concern and somewhat hesitation.
"Okay, now will you tell me what's going on in that head of yours?" He smiled, obviously trying to make light of the situation. I giggled a little, letting some of my fear go.
What's the worst that could happen?
Well—Nononono, Rose, stop thinking of the worst case scenarios. I shouldn't have asked myself that question. Realizing that I still haven't responded to Eli, I take a breath and begin to talk.
"I need to tell you about me. You've told me about your past and I feel the need to tell you about mine before it's too late. To be honest, I've been afraid to tell you because I don't know how you'll respond. But let's start at the beginning," I begin, obtaining a hesitant nod and reassuring smile from him, "Ever since I was a young child, I didn't develop emotions. I couldn't feel anything. Everyone was starting to worry, so I would mimic other people's facial expressions to fit in better.
"I had a family of 9; my mom, dad, and 6 siblings. We were at home one night when I was seven years old, and I was looking up how to start a fire in the fireplace. I made a checklist and everything. I thought I was so prepared. I wanted to start a fire so that I could feel pain. I started the process, but while I was in the middle of opening the flume, I was distracted by my older sister.
"I ended up forgetting to open the flume," for the first time since I started talking, I looked at Eli. He had a knowing look, but he didn't look disgusted yet, so I looked back out at the water and continued, "I started the fire, but before I could injure myself, my younger sister tells me to stop or I'll get hurt. I dismissed her, but noticed that the house was cloudy. I panicked and ran to my parents with my sister in my arms. I told them what happened, and we tried to get everyone out, but the house collapsed on my mom and two of my brothers.
"They died because of me. I felt new emotions that day; panic, grief, and guilt. But most importantly, disgust because I realized that I'm a monster."
I started to cry, but I didn't dare look at Eli. It only took a couple seconds before I felt his arms around me though, telling me it was okay, and that I wasn't a monster. That it wasn't my fault. That no one holds it against me. That it's going to be okay. That he's here now, for me. That he won't leave. I sit and cry in his arms for what seems like hours.
I cry for my mom. I cry for Raymond and Romli. I cry for thankfulness for Sara. I cry because of Eli. I cry because I'm relieved. I cry because I've been accepted. I cry because Eli said everything that I could have never said to myself. I cry because he's here for me.
I cry because I'm happy. For the first time in my life, I'm happy.
And it's all thanks to this amazing person who is holding me in his arms.
—
a/n:
ahahahaha i'm back! i don't know exactly where i'm going next with the book, but i have a week off of school this week so i might be able to put a few more chapter out for those who actually read 😂 but thanks for reading, and i'm always open to suggestions.
