Rose's POV
I'm so torn. I don't know what I'm doing. I have all of these emotions, but I don't know how to use or express them. I'm so used to faking everything that it feels like I can't be genuine. I want to be so badly, but I don't know how.
And because of that, I feel like I can't tell Eli how I feel. I think I might love him, but I can't express how I feel to him properly. He deserves so much better. He deserves someone who is just as expressive and genuine as he is. He deserves someone who can truly show that they appreciate him.
I hate that that person can't be me. I want it to be so bad. But I know that he deserves more than me. I'm worthless and broken, and he deserves someone better.
But despite that, I'm selfish. I want him for myself. Part of me doesn't care that he's way too amazing for me. I don't know whether to listen to reason or to my heart. I don't want to give him up. I know that it's selfish, but all I want is him. I think I love him.
Sara says I should just tell him, and she usually isn't wrong. And although I try to not live by the "what if's," that is proving to be very difficult.
And the there is the huge question of whether he even has feelings for me, too. We've developed such a great friendship and I don't want to jeopardize that relationship, but I also just want more. I want more, so much more.
He accepted me when most people wouldn't when I told him my past, so maybe he would accept my feelings for him too? I never thought I would use that phrase. "My feelings." It's still so surreal to me.
Bzzzt Bzzzt
My phone interrupts me from the endless thought machine I call a brain.
"Hey, you up?" He asks.
"Yeah, how come?" I respond almost too quickly.
"Wanna hang out? I know it's pretty late, but I can't sleep T-T," he replies and at this point I already have a smile on my face.
"Yeah sure. I can't sleep either," I text back, and I can't help the feeling that my replies are so dry, but I feel so silly using emoticons.
"Park fountain in 10. Meet y'a there ;)"
I get up and look in the mirror. It's strange; I don't cringe when I look at myself in the mirror anymore. I see a normal person. Thanks to my friends and family and their love for me, I've finally realized it's okay to accept myself and learn from my mistakes. I'm not a monster.
As I go outside and approach the park, I can feel my heart beat faster and my palms become sweaty. The moon is full tonight and the sky is clear, and it really is a breathtaking sight. I head to the bench where it really started for me; where I started to accept me for who I am; where I started to fall in love with Eli.
I gasp at this realization. It really is love, there's not a doubt in my mind, and I'm going to tell him.
I arrive at the bench first, watching the moon and how it shines across the fountain pond, wishing that Eli would just get here already and hoping that I can get the right words out.
I feel someone hug me from behind, and I freeze. I panic and elbow them in the stomach.
"Ow, Rose, what the heck??" Oops, it was Eli. I turn around and try my best at a suave grin, even though I probably look stupid.
"Oh? Didn't see you there, Ellie," I try but the whole act just falls flat as I meet his eyes.
Darn it, those freaking big chocolate brown eyes. Now it's his turn to grin since he's rendered me speechless. Even in his pajamas, he makes my heart beat a million times a minute.
"So, I see that insomnia has brought us together tonight, hmm?" He asks.
"Haha, I guess so," I reply rather stiffly, bracing myself for what I'm trying to say next. He sits down next to me and I'm wondering how I usually sit and what I usually do with my hands.
"I have something to—" we both start at the same time. "You first," Eli says, and I realize just how nervous he's become too. Could he be...??
"No, no you first. Ladies first is such a cliche that I'm over ," I roll my eyes and smile, taking a deep breath and trying to suppress my thoughts.
"Fine," he concedes, "I've been feeling this for a while now, and I've tried to ignore it because I enjoy the friendship we've had so far, but the more and more we spend time together, I realize that I just can't be—"
Realizing where this is going and knowing that I can't bear the thought of it, I interrupt, "oh yeah, I was thinking the same thing." I try to keep the tears from filling my eyes, suddenly wishing the moon wasn't so neighs so Eli couldn't see me so clearly.
"Y-you do?" He says with a hopeful smile. Why does he look so happy? Does he really hate me that much? Does he really want to be spared the thought of being friends anymore? I thought we were good, but this whole time he's been thinking how he just can't—.
It's Eli's turn to interrupt me, "Well that makes this a lot easier. Would you like to go out on a date with me?"
Wait, What???
a/n: wow, I honestly forgot all about this book, and have been so unmotivated to finish it, but for the few people who actually read this, I didn't want to disappoint. I hope I can finish it in a few more chapters, as long as Rose stops being the expert at jumping to conclusions lol.
