Rosalyn's POV
Eli is a mystery to me. He feels so much, I'm almost jealous. Except I'm not. Because I don't know what jealousy feels like, but I bet he does. I want to know, and I feel like he can tell me. And I feel like maybe he can show me. There is an unidentifiable emotion whenever I'm around him. I don't know what it means, and I'm kind of scared to find out. That's another emotion I've experienced since I met him.
I'm scared. I'm so scared. I'm scared he'll find out what I have done. I'm scared he won't listen to me anymore. I'm scared that all the incredible emotion he has will turn into disgust towards me. I'm scared he'll see that I'm a monster.
I know I am. And I can't help it. It's not fair, and it's not my fault. Being this way wasn't my choice. But I guess it doesn't matter anyway.
I need to talk to Sara. She'll know what to do. As soon as I pick up my phone, I get an incoming call from Sara. I pick it up.
"Hey, Sara, I was just about to call you," I say.
"Yeah, I had a feeling something was up so I decided to check up on you," she announces.
"How nice of you. But yeah something is up and...and... for once I don't know what to do."
"That's weird. You always know what to do! Even though you don't feel anything, you are still so calculated and can always think of the logical way to get out of a situation," she says.
"Well it's a long story," I warn.
"I've got all the time in the world," she says and I know she's there for me.
I tell her about Jen, and about the party. And I tell her about Tate. She goes silent when I bring him up. She loved him and he hurt her like it was breathing to him. My hate grows even more for him.
We talk and talk. I tell her about Eli, and she pretty much freaks out. She thinks I'm in love with him, but I know that's impossible. And that makes me feel something new. Sad. I'm sad that I don't know how to love or what love feels like. I'm sad that I know I don't love him even though I want to. I'm sad that I may never be able to love anyone, including him, and I'm sad that I'm sad. Part of me wishes I never developed any emotions, that way it would be easier, but part of me wants to discover as many as possible, no matter the consequences.
Sara tells me that I should hang around him, and she wants to meet him, too. She agrees that maybe he can show me how to feel. But she also tells me to do the most terrifying thing. She tells me to tell him the truth about me. To tell him I don't feel emotions like everyone else. And to tell him the emotions I have developed.
And that's what really scares me. I know he'll ask why I feel the things I do, and then I'll have to tell him everything, and then I might risk it all.
Will he think I'm a monster, or something worse?
And I know I'm reaching here, but I'm hoping that he still wants to talk to me and to listen and to teach me how to feel.
