Unlovable

Gabrielle

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Fuck, I hate that alarm.

I groan loudly and slam my hand down on my phone frantically searching for the cancel on the ear piercing noise and shove my head under my pillow. I'm not ready for today. I'm not ready to go to a new school, in a new town and try to make new friends that won't stick around long anyways. Negative Nancy. Yeah, yeah, that's me.

I'm Gabby, a cold hearted bitch, who says how she feels with no apologies. Don't like it? Better stop reading now because this is only the beginning of what is yet to be the biggest shit show you've ever experienced.

I roll out of bed and jump into the shower, turning the water to scalding hot. If my skins not red when I get out, I'm not clean. The hot water scalds away the sleep as I scrub away the dream that is still clouding my brain and fogging my vision.

I wonder if I'll be sitting alone in a bathroom stall during lunch. I'm almost always alone.

I'm barely in the shower five minutes before my mom screams:

"I'M LEAVING. HAVE A GREAT DAY AT SCHOOL, HONEY"

Like she cares.. she only cares of herself and her new husband that has a thing for my ass and gross enough, my feet. He's always making comments like "you have sexy toes, like your mama." Or grabbing my ass when he thinks no one is looking.
Fucking pervert.

My moms a raging alcoholic with an emotionally and physically abusive husband. I wonder sometimes if she will ever grow a back bone and leave him. Probably not. But I guess you only accept the love you think you deserve.

His names Steve.. "Creepy Steve" is what I call him... and he works for some crap company that moves us AT LEAST once a year. My mom says we will get to stay longer this time. She says I should "make friends for once and stop being such an embarrassment." Even if I had friends I'm sure I'd still be her embarrassment. She hates me, I'm a constant reminder of the husband she lost. She looks at me with my large blue eyes and black hair and sees him. A spitting image.

It's hard to make friends when people are so fake and you constantly have to worry about your life being pulled out from under you and having to move again. No one says it as it is anymore. Everyone has a ulterior motive. No one can just be your friend. They want something more than friendship in return.

I'm sure you're wondering.. "well where the hell is your dad?"

My dad died when I was 6. It was a car accident. Some drunk guy T-boned the drivers side door of my dads car in a semi and killed him on impact. The semi driver walked away without a scratch and no jail time because his brakes apparently "failed". It has been tough growing up without him, even though I'm basically numb to his absence by now. He has been gone so long that I have almost forgotten how he looks. Sometimes I think that I smell his signature cologne but as soon as it comes, it fades just as fast. I miss him but life goes on.

My dad was the only person in this world who cared about me and when he was taken from me.. I was left all alone. My mother was never the mom that she was before he left us. It was almost as if I lost both parents in one swift swoop. He died and she ran far, far, away from me. I suppose losing a husband and father to your children is unfathomable. But what about me? I was just a kid.. But it was me, myself and I facing the world alone. No mercy.

I learned to fend for myself. At age 6, I was making my own meals, doing my own laundry and getting myself up for school because my sorry excuse of a mother couldn't bother to be a mom. She was too busy drinking away her sorrows and trying to find the next best thing to my dad. Little did she know, she would never find a man to replace him. Men came in and out of our lives through a revolving door. That is.. until she met Steve.

I've just learned that you choose who you love and if you don't wanna love, it's simple, you don't. I don't believe that you have no choice in who you love. I don't let myself get close to anyone. I don't love anyone, because why would I?  No one loves me. And I don't think anyone ever will. Even if I let myself fall in love, it's not like they'll stick around. They always leave in the end. No one stays long.

I pull my self outta my thought spiral and step out of the shower wrapping a towel around my long black hair and going to throw my favorite ripped American Eagle jeans on paired with a red and white cropped sweater that I scored at the thrift store. After brushing my hair I slip on my converse and head out the door. I jump into my car, a crappy 1995 Volvo, that barely runs and make my way to school.

Hell, here I come.

******

I pull into the school at 8:20 AM, with 10 minutes to spare to get to my first class that I have no idea where is at. I should probably go inside and get a map and my class schedule.  A giant sign displays " WELCOME TO KNOXVILLE HIGH", basically mocking me, because I know for a fact that this school will be anything but welcoming. I don't think that I have ever been to a school that has "welcomed" me.

No one liked the new kids. That will not ever change. It doesn't matter what grade you are in, where you're from or when you get there. You are the outsider and to them, you will never fit in. I learned that very early on. It was better to realize it then to think that I could make new friends, twice, sometimes three times a year. It seems dramatic, I know, but its the truth. These people grew up together and knew every aspect of each others lives and then you come in and "disturb the peace" or "disrupt the balance". It is just how it is.

You soon become the talk of the school and never have I ever had the gossip be good. They hate me cuz they ain't me. HAHA, just kidding they just hate me for no apparent reason. How do you even hate someone that you don't know? They could at least try to get to know me but nooo. So, I keep quiet and stick to myself, mostly. My nose is almost always in a book, so when someone is a asshole to me, it really freaks them out when they realize I am a total spazz that will rip your head off without the blink of an eye.