Letters to Myself

Saying "I'm sorry" hurt me more than I expected.

Dear me,

Once again I am wondering what I did wrong, what could I have possibly have done for you to runaway from me. Then again I remember that I always fuck up because that just who I am, you don't need reasons.

I remember what it was to fall for you, you were different than everyone else. You were willing to hear me talk for hours without judging me. You made me feel important, and for that I gave you to much importance. Don't get me wrong, you were the person I needed at than time to grow but you also ruined me like no one did before.

Am I crying writing this? Probably. But I don't care, because at least I let myself be honest and human. Not like you, who ran as fast as you could to avoid the "feels". I am typing in my phone right now because it almost a year since the last honest conversation we had, for my birthday. You made me believe that everything was fine, that we would still be like we were before if not even close.

Instead, the first day we saw each other again you avoided me like if I was the plague. And waived a "hi" at the end of the week saying "I haven't see you, I've been so busy" and I believed you like the stupid I am. I didn't say anything because I didn't want it to make it a big deal, but then you stop hugging me and ignored me for your "friends". I had to sit alone most of the time because you were the only one I talked to, and I had to think over and over what it's going on.
Whenever I tried to talk to you, you walk faster, avoided my eyes and talked to strangers. When I texted you you responded hours later putting excuses, until I decided that enough was enough.

I let you know that we had to meet and talk, but you didn't come, so I told a friend we had in common if everything was fine, because I didn't want to be that bitch that thinks that everything if about themselves and you were truly going through some shit. She said you were normal and could think of anything that would explain your attitude towards me. So I texted you again.

I said "Hello. How are you? Can you talk?" And you responded with some shit "I don't think we can be friends anymore, I'm so busy and you're probably busy too so there's no way for us. I want you to do good"
So I figured, he knows what I wanted to talk about. And I admitted that I got mad, you ignored me and then say that you don't even want to be my friend, after all? I was crying, and I said something like "I just wanted to know what have you been ignoring me and all?" And you can imagine that he said "I just want what's best for you, you should make more friends, I'm not good for you" "I saw that last week you were talking to some girls. See, this is good for you"

I didn't know what to respond really. So I just left the messages and started crying. He was supposed to be my best friend, but I guessed that didn't count at all for him. The worst of all is that I still was the one saying "I'm sorry", because I thought I did something bad when actually I was just trying to be myself.

At the end I lost a friend, but for me it was more than that, because I don't let people in so easily, so letting him know who I was was a big issue for me and it make me feel like I was not good enough, like if I had something that people avoided. I knew that being alone was hard, but it's even worse when you know what it feels to be with someone. I did learn a lot, and for I am thankful.

I hope that someday when I'm reading this again I have overcome this fear of letting people in.

X Lost_Sky
08/10/19

Hello guys.
I hoped you liked my personal story, maybe you also experienced something like this and I hear you and most important I feel you.

If you enjoyed it or make you think about life please share and hit the star and leave a comment.

If I am posting to much it's probably because I have to much stuff in my mind and I don't want to sleep.

Lots of love.
See you later. ♥️