Letters to Myself

I don't know why I am doing this. Again.

Dear me,

Tomorrow I have the last AP exam of my life and instead of studying or worrying -properly- about it, I am thinking about the things I have
recently written to my teachers during this over-the-top, stressing situation that is of being in the middle of a Pandemic. Yes, it's your senior year and you are stuck in the middle of it all. I am as well, but there are a lot more that are going through worse situations.

I am thankful that at least I get the chance to finish my education and be alive. This will not, by any means, take any of the anxiety and dark feelings I have inside me. Even as I write this I get a heavy breathing pace, my mouth is dry and My fingers start to shake. Not even Harry Styles' song can calm me down. A shook. An attack. Most important, realization.

I do hope that you are well now, in the future, or present (this gets confusing over time).

Anyway, it was time for me to do this again. Life gets boring when you have no hope. And here I'll post some things I have said to my teachers so that I can feel the embarrassment or encouragement later.

On March 24 I said this:

No problem Ms. V
Sorry for not responding earlier with all the work we have I cannot keep track of my emails lol.
I really don't like an online school.

Online school started the 23. Yes, literally one day after "returning" to school I knew I wouldn't like it.
Definitely, that is not a good strategy or mindset to start anything.

On the 27 I basically was under a breakdown and I send this email with tears in my eyes:

Good morning Ms. G.

I hope you're having a good day so far and that you and your family are safe.

It's embarrassing to be sending you this email right now but I don't know what else to do. Every day I feel so stressed with all the work I have to do and submit within the deadline. I normally feel pressure to do well in my classes but this is on a new level. I do understand that teachers need to confirm that we are doing what we are supposed to do but every day feels like I'm doing an assignment for every class even more with my electives which I rarely had that much work for the week. For Latin Dance so far I had to do a presentation and two "essays" in which I got comments that my grade should have been higher. For Lxxxxxx, we have to go and present attendance between 8:00-8:30 am or he will mark us absent. Today, for example, he posted the exam at 8 am which would only be open until 9:00 am. (Thank God because yesterday he said it was from 8:00-8:20) We posted on Google classroom asking why he was doing it but didn't respond.

The principal itself sends a message with the "schedule" we should follow and it says to log on Google classroom between 8:45-9:00 am. And we should finish classwork around 3.

Every day I have been finishing my homework completely around midnight. And I am not saying that I do not take breaks of anything but staying at home is not the same, and for most of my work, I use my phone since I share a computer with my sister. I have chords to do at home, and I wake up pretty tired for the day before and I work slower. I have a pretty small apartment and like most other students I share a room with my sister that is where the living room is supposed to be and doesn't even have a door.

As soon as I wake up I get loads of notification on all the things that I have to do. For some people, this might be nice to know but I feel so overwhelmed because I wonder if I will finish on time.