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I was laying in bed. 6 am. Get up and go to the gym or sleep on.

I am in a mental fight with myself. Weighing pros and cons. The cons are very tempting, more so in my depressed state. It would make things so much easier. To just close my eyes and let it go.

But that's not what life is about right? You gotta fight. I gotta fight.

The pros won. It's a Monday, a new start. Always Monday's. Sometimes Saturday's, but mostly Monday's.

So I get up. The house is very silent because everybody is sleeping. I move around lazily.

I don't wash my face, just put on my gym clothes. I don't wash my face because I hate going outside of the house without any face creams on and I sure as hell won't be putting those expensive things on my face when I know that only two hours later I'll be taking a shower. So the night cream of the previous night has to do for now.

The bus station is full. Ughh, working people. I feel self conscious about the way I look. No make up with gym clothes. I feel judged.

It's always like that. When I am sad, I forget about the fact that most people just mind their business. The only thing I can think about is how every body is probably watching my every move and think to themself: How did she let herself go that much?

That is right. That's how I feel about myself. Its not like I don't care about the way I look. I put alot of thought and care into myself. Hygiene and make up is very important to me. But my weight, oh well.

It wasn't always like that. I used to look pretty good in high school. I was in the curvier side but I got lucky. Had the curves in all the right places and I love working out.

But after high school, oh man. After high school fukced my life. I gained 10 fucking kilos (about 20 pounds). You know that movie "The mummy" how there are insects eating their way into the brain of one of those people? I feel just like that.

Knowing I gained so much weight, have gotten nowhere career wise and I am still at the same fukcing spot I have been since then? It's eating a way into my brain. Maybe I am even one step further down cause of the weight gain. I have developed in a negative way.

But you know when you've had enough? You are ready to change every freaking thing in your life just to move on? I am there. And here is my journey.

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