Trapped

letter four

chapter five

dear harry,

it's been almost three months since i last wrote to you. a lot has happened between then and now. abel finally reached the end of her rope and told me i needed to move out and get a job.

i know she's not doing it out of spite. she loves me, but i'm not ready to get a job. i want to be free for a little while longer. jobs hold you down.

she's helping me find jobs. I've got an interview next week and you know how i used to be with meeting new people; i was awful. im by no means a people person. i turn into a stuttering mess of words that don't make sense and what i'm trying to say. it's frustrating.

i don't know why i'm telling you about my life. you don't care. if you cared, you'd reply.

but without further delay, reason four:

4. you kept forgetting me

i don't mean that you forgot who i was. not at all. you just forgot dates we'd set for meals, you wouldn't turn up and i'd be waiting outside on my own just praying that you'd turn up.

the first time it happened, i was okay. a little annoyed, but i was okay because you just lost track of time whilst you're with the guys. i was okay with that. i would never ask you to choose between me and your job.

it was the fact that it happened on multiple occasions that broke my heart, chipped away at it like a sculptor to marble. i'm being dramatic again, i know, but that's exactly how it felt. every time i was forgotten, another chunk was chipped away.

there was one night i didn't even bother to call you to remind you. i just walked to our home, scrubbed all the makeup from my face and pulled on my pajamas. on the majority of the other occasions i'd cried, but that night i didn't cry. i just curled up in bed with my laptop and waited for you to come home.

you didn't come home until the next day.

not in the morning, in the afternoon. i didn't know what to say to you because you clearly had no clue. you came in to see me sat on the sofa drinking a mug of tea. you kissed me on the cheek and told me you'd missed me. i'd forced a smile and told you i'd missed you too.

i never told you that we were supposed to go on a date. so i guess this is me telling you now: we were supposed to go out on a romantic evening and you forgot about me. was i always in the back of your mind? just something to come home to? just someone to share a bed with? just someone to get intimate with when you needed to?

i don't know, harry, but it hurts whatever the answer is because i became irrelevant to you.

marlee, the irrelevant girlfriend.

fuck you for doing that to me.

it feels good to write that to you, even if you never see it. because these are all the words i wanted to say when you walked in the day after and kissed me as nothing happened. but i bit my tongue and played along.

maybe that's where i went wrong. i should have confronted you. if i confronted you then maybe just maybe we could have worked it out, ironed the creases flat and got through it hand in hand.

i regret not telling you.

i was just sick and tired of arguing.

love, marlee x.